Witch Hazel

Animation Nation

By Steve Herte

Bewitched Bunny (WB, 1954) – Director: Charles M. Jones. Writer: Michael Maltese (story). Voices: Mel Blanc & Bea Benaderet. Color, 7 minutes.

Broom-Stick Bunny (WB, 1956) – Director: Charles M. Jones. Writer: Tedd Pierce (story). Voices: Mel Blanc & June Foray. Color, 7 minutes.

A Witch’s Tangled Hare (WB, 1959) – Director: Abe Levitow. Writer: Michael Maltese (story). Voices: Mel Blanc & June Foray. Color, 6 minutes.

Halloween. In my early years, it was one night I looked forward to, planned what costume I would wear for and hoped for cool, but not rainy, weather. Getting together with friends and visiting house after house for who-knows-what goodies was great fun. And ... back when it was safe to go out after dark without a parental escort. The worst that would happen is you came home chalky or streaked with lipstick.

Ghosts, goblins, vampires and witches, and things that go bump in the night were always stars in my favorite stories in books and on film. The scarier the movie, the more I liked it. Now, with the advanced stage of computer graphics, horror can be (and is) taken to the give-you-a-heart-attack level, which makes me a little wary of spooky films today.

But Warner Brothers cartoons took those same creatures of the night and made them funny and memorable characters. Remember Gossamer, the red-haired monster in Hair Raising Hare (1946)? How about the Mr. Hyde creature that terrorized Bugs in Hyde and Hare (1955)? One of my all-time favorites was Witch Hazel, who appeared in three cartoons: Bewitched Bunny (1954), Broom-Stick Bunny (1956) and A Witch’s Tangled Hare (1959). Bea Benaderet provided Hazel’s voice in the first and June Foray brought the character to her place in my heart in the other two cartoons.

In the late ‘40s into the early ‘50s, the animators for Warner were looking for a new enemy for their most popular character, Bugs Bunny. Until that moment, Elmer Fudd had been the most popular of Bugs’ foes, but they realized there were just so many takes on stories revolving around the two. Friz Freleng’s unit came up with Yosemite Sam (said to have been modeled on Friz himself), who became very popular with audiences. Robert McKimson’s unit developed one of the studio’s most popular characters in the Tasmanian Devil.

Chuck Jones’ unit, for its part, experimented with several characters, each of which faced Bugs in a few cartoons, but none of which became a long-term answer. The most popular of those characters were Marvin the Martian and Witch Hazel. Witch Hazel appeared in three cartoons with Bugs, beginning in 1954 with Bewitched Bunny. The ‘toon proved so popular with audiences that she was brought back in 1956 by Jones. The final Witch Hazel cartoon from Jones’ unit was made in 1959 with veteran animator Abe Levitow taking up the director’s chores. It’s unclear whether Jones was ill during the shooting or simply wasn’t interested, or perhaps it was intended on Jones’ part to give Levitow directorial experience.

The character’s name, Witch Hazel, is a takeoff on the name of a North American shrub and the astringent made from it. Other studios have also had a character with the same name. In 1952, Witch Hazel appeared in Disney’s Donald Duck cartoon, Trick or Treat, where she helped Huey, Dewey and Louis get candy from Uncle Donald. Ironically, Foray provided her voice. Her appearance is very different from the Warner Bros. cartoons: short with a warty chin, large red nose, green eyes, traditional witch’s outfit, long blonde (sometimes grey) hair, and as tall, black hat. She is also far more benevolent that the Warner version. After the cartoon appeared, she was relegated to Disney comic books.

The character also appeared for Famous Studios (Paramount) and MGM, though not as a starring or co-starring character. Independent Rembrandt Studios had a character called “Hazel Witch.”

But no one used her like Jones did. He admitted in an interview that he got the idea for the character from Disney’s cartoon, but he thought he could improve on it by making her a villain and teaming her with Bugs. Despite the common name, Jones' conception of Witch Hazel differs greatly from the witch appearing in the Disney cartoon. Jones’ witch is much more stylized, with a rotund, green-skinned body wrapped in plain, blue dress and supported by twig-like legs. She also has wild black hair, out of which hairpins fly, spinning in midair whenever she zooms off on her broom or cackles in glee over her next evil scheme. Her crumpled hat looks as though it had been through one too many campaigns. Her nose and chin jut out from her face, as she sports only a single tooth. And she's far more villainous than Disney's witch, who was benign.

In Bewitched Bunny, the first of the series, Hazel is the witch in the classic tale Hansel and Gretel. She has lured a boy and a girl into her house to eat them, looking up recipes like "Waif Waffles" or "Moppet Muffins." Bugs Bunny is reading the classic fairy tale, and happens by just as she’s luring the two greedy children into her cottage singing, “Let’s go eat the goodies.” Bugs gives the audience a Superman-like, “This looks like a job for…” and dons a disguise as a truant officer. He finds the two porcine urchins already in a covered pot wolfing down ice cream. Learning their names Bugs puts two and two together and advises them to run for their lives. But before they do they stop in front of Hazel saying in a thick German accent, “Ach, your mother rides a vacuum cleaner.” (I told you they were urchins, right?)

Unfazed by this sudden change of events, Hazel realizes Bugs is a rabbit. She quickly switches her menu to rabbit stew and the chase begins. Hazel makes sure the audience knows she’s a lady of quality by riding her broom sidesaddle. Tiring of the chase, she fills a carrot with poisoned brew and dangles it in front of Bugs, who can’t resist and chows down. He passes out after a hilarious gagging scene and into the pot he goes.

While Hazel goes to her root cellar, a character resembling Prince Charming makes a dramatic entrance and kisses Bugs’ hand, bringing him out of the spell. Bugs wakes up and says: “You’re looking for Snow White, this is the story of Hansel and Gretel.” The Prince leaves, confused over how Bugs pronounced the name “Hansel.” The chase is on again. Our Hero attempts an escape down a hallway, but Hazel has him trapped. He passes an emergency box on the wall and notices a vase of her magic powder on a shelf bearing the sign “In Case of Emergency.” He breaks the glass, and throws the vase at Hazel, instantly transforming her into beautiful female rabbit with a soft and sexy feminine voice, albeit with Hazel‘s laugh. She’s more enticing than a carrot to Bugs. As they walk off he remarks to the audience, "Ah sure, I know. But aren't they all witches inside?"

Yikes! You can’t say that today. The cartoon caused controversy in Canada over the last line, the complainers averring that the lines made Bugs into a misogynist. It was also edited out of commercial showings in the United States and replaced with the line: "Sure uh, I know. But after all, who wants to be alone on Halloween?" However, the original version has been aired in Canada as recently as this year on the Canadian cable channel Teletoon Retro.

As drawn by Jones and company, Witch Hazel is quite jovial in her villainy, with a strong sense of humor. During the cartoon, she frequently says things that cause her to break into hysterical, cackling laughter. She can also laugh at herself when she blunders. During one sequence when she mounts her broom, it goes backwards and she crashes into a wall. She looks at the audience and says with a smile, "Oh, we women drivers... I had the silly thing in reverse!" Jones wanted Foray to voice Witch Hazel, as he loved her voice of the Disney Witch Hazel, but she was contracted to Disney at the time, which led him to cast Warner contract player Benaderet.

Broom-Stick Bunny opens on Halloween night. Witch Hazel is preparing a batch of witch’s brew while singing her own words to the old standard, “A Cup of Coffee, A Sandwich and You.” In her case, they come out as, “A cup of arsenic, a spider, some glue.” She pauses at her magic mirror, asking it who's the ugliest one of all. The genie in the mirror (something of a takeoff on Rex Ingram, who famously portrayed the genie in 1940’s The Thief of Bagdad) replies that she, Witch Hazel, is the ugliest one of all.  Hazel turns to the audience and explains that she “deathly afraid” of growing prettier as she gets older, a statement she concludes with a laugh. 

She returns to mixing the potion in her bubbling cauldron, but finds herself missing one ingredient, when the doorbell rings. It’s Bugs Bunny dressed as a witch for Halloween, his face hidden by an ugly green mask. She howls, “DARLING!” and drags Bugs to the table for some tea, hoping to “worm all of your ugly secrets” out of him. “Funny,” she notes, “I don’t remember seeing her at any of the union meetings.” Realizing how ugly the creature is, in a pique of vanity she consults her magic mirror, which confirms, “that creep is uglier far than thou!” Whoops! Can’t allow that. After she leaves, Bugs turns to the audience. “She isn't pretty now, but she was someone's baby once,” he says.

Witch Hazel makes a tea brewed with an assortment of beauty enhancers to make this new witch a pretty one, and grows impatient when she won’t drink it. When Bugs takes off the mask, revealing that he’s really a rabbit, Hazel flashes out of the room to her recipe book, where it reads, “a rabbit’s clavicle.” It’s the last ingredient she needs for her brew.

Innate fear is rising in Bugs as he starts to leave, when Hazel zips back in with a cleaver behind her back. And the chase is on. Hazel chooses the wrong broom from the broom closet and chuckles at her mistake in trying to ride her “sweeping broom.” (“Crazy me, that was my sweeping broom!”) “Dat old babe means to do me serious hurt!” Bugs gasps, as a carrot on a fishing line appears behind him. Hazel reels him in and ties him up head to toe.

Back at her cauldron, Hazel prepares to kill Bugs and use him in her brew. But as she’s about to bring the cleaver down on his head, Bugs gives her his patented big tear-filled eyes routine in an attempt to win her sympathy. Bugs’ routine catches Hazel off guard and she breaks down in a torrent of tears, claiming he reminds her of Paul, her pet tarantula. Bugs, still hog-tied, tries to calm her down. He brings her the cup of “tea” clenched in his teeth, walking on tip-toe. She guzzles it down and becomes beautiful, instantly changing into a slender and curvaceous redheaded beauty wrapped in a tight teal-colored dress that exposes her finely shaped legs and the top of her cleavage as music director Milt Franklyn strikes up “Oh, You Beautiful Doll” in the background. (Her new look was based on Foray, even copying her hairstyle.) Shocked, she runs to her mirror and asks in a new softer, sexier tone of voice whether she’s still “the ugliest of them all.” The genie immediately becomes enamored of her, making Bob Hope type lecherous guttural noises and trying to grab her. Hazel then flees on her broomstick, with the genie on a flying carpet closely in pursuit.  

Bugs, still at Hazel’s house, looks at the two flying in the sky, silhouetted by the moon and makes a call to the local air raid headquarters, telling them, “You’re not going to believe me, but I just saw a genie with light brown hair chasing a flying sorceress.”

Critics and historians alike have cited Broom-Stick Bunny as the funniest of Jones’ Witch Hazel cartoons, praising the film's witty dialogue, written by Tedd Pierce. The cartoon contains hysterical lines, such as such as Hazel's asking the costumed Bugs, "Tell me, who undoes your hair?" He replies, "Do you like it?" and her response is a gleeful "Like it? Why, it's absolutely hideous!” Later, when she leaves the room to prepare the beauty tea, she tells him, "Make yourself homely!"

Philip DeGuard’s backgrounds and Ernie Nordli’s (who came over to Jones’s unit from Disney) layouts remind me of those pioneered by UPA Studios in the early ‘50s. The minimalist, expressionistic backgrounds help the audience not only focus on the characters but add a bit of other worldly-ness to the proceedings.

The feather-in-the-cap for Jones for this cartoon was in wooing Foray away from Disney and signing her to Warner Brothers. When first informed of the carton, Foray expressed reservations about Jones “stealing” a character from Disney, but, as Jones well knew, the fact that “witch hazel” was long ago established as the name of an astringent rub prevented Disney from establishing any ownership. And when Foray first saw the depiction of Witch Hazel and read the script, she knew this character was as far removed from Disney’s character as an apple from as orange.

In a 1989 interview with writer/historian Michael Mallory for Animation Magazine (www.animationmagazine.net), Foray speaks of her experience:

“My agent called me and said, ‘You’ve never worked at Warner Bros. before.’ And I was just getting my feet wet (in animation), I really didn’t know too much about Bugs Bunny, or all that had gone on before. So in 1954, Chuck called my agent and said, ‘I’d like to hire June Foray,’ and I did Witch Hazel over there, you know, with the hairpins flying, and who had a pet tarantula named Paul. He named her ‘Witch Hazel’ too, and Disney of course was unable to sue because Witch Hazel had been copyrighted by some alcohol company. They couldn’t do anything about it. Chuck Jones fell in love with Witch Hazel.”

A Witch’s Tangled Hare is the last made by Jones’ unit. As the cartoon opens, we see a character that looks like William Shakespeare on the scene with pen and scroll at the ready, pausing at the castle Macbeth (clearly labeled on the mailbox in front of the castle). We then see Hazel quoting, “Double, double, toil and trouble...” and the Shakespeare character scribbles frantically. Hazel lifts a platter dome to reveal a sleeping Bugs Bunny. She awakens him and he flatters her by calling her Zsa Zsa. He sees the boiling kettle and, thinking it’s a bath, gets in.

Immediately, Bugs reprises similar scenes from Hiawatha’s Rabbit Hunt (Freling, 1941) and Wackiki Wabbit (Jones, 1943) where he’s in the same situation and comments on how good it smells (in this case until he looks at cook book and realizes he’s the main ingredient). Hazel chases him once again with a cleaver (her kitchen tool of choice), then goes to mount her broom, but her bloomers show. She covers up and comments to the audience about her modesty being one of her girlish qualities.

When Hazel catches up to Bugs, she cackles and Bugs imitates her laugh. She laughs again and he goes through a ridiculous, exaggerated laugh with crazy bodily contortions and retorts, “Top that, Lollobrigida!” This cartoon has everything. Bugs even hands Hazel an anvil from one of the turrets to foil her broom riding. The highlight, though, is a parody of Romeo and Juliet. Hazel stands on a balcony and shouts, “Romeo,  Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” (with the Shakespeare character scribbling furiously) “I art down here.” “Why don’t thou come up here?” “I art shy. Why don’t YOU come down here? I’ll catch you.” (You just know Bugs doesn’t mean that.) Hazel lands on the ground with a thunderous crash. (Continuity mistake: When Witch Hazel is chasing Bugs Bunny up the castle tower, Bugs throws a stone through the window before Hazel appears from behind the curtains. When we see Bugs dressed up as Romeo, the glass panes disappear. When we see Hazel dressed up as Juliet, they are back.)

The final chase leads Bugs to the Shakespeare character. He is sitting and moaning that he'll never be a writer. When Bugs praises him as being William Shakespeare, he denies it. “I’m Sam Crubish!” Hazel recognizes him from her past. “Yes, I waited outside apartment 2-B for you.” “But I didn’t say 2-B,” Hazel protests. As Sam and Hazel walk off together, Bugs picks up the perfect last line, “2-B or not 2-B, that is the question!”

As mentioned above, Jones turned over the director’s reins to Levitow, who does an excellent job with the story by Michael Maltese. Mel Blanc voices Bugs, while Foray once again provides the voice of Witch Hazel. The carton is very funny, with several references to plays by William Shakespeare: Hamlet, Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, and As You Like It.

Other Appearances

In Chuck Jones’ 1963 Merrie Melodies short Transylvania 6-5000, Witch Hazel makes a very brief cameo appearance as Bugs transforms the cartoon’s vampire villain, Count Bloodcount, into Witch Hazel by chanting a magic spell.

When Warner Bros. shut down its animation studio in 1963, production of Merrie Melodies and Looney Tunes shorts was contracted out to Freling’s DePatie-Freling Enterprises, who produced animated shorts from 1964 to 1967, when Warner Bros. again resumed production, finally closing for good in 1969. Director Robert McKimson made her one of the stars of his 1966 cartoon A-Haunting We Will Go, with Daffy Duck and Speedy Gonzales, which borrows several elements from previous Warner cartoons.

It’s Halloween, and this time around Daffy Duck's nephew (essentially a pint-sized version of Daffy) goes trick-and-treating as a witch, in the same outfit that Bugs Bunny wore in Broom-Stick Bunny. He visits Witch Hazel's house, and after seeing her hideous face (her skin is more a yellowish than green), he runs home screaming. At home, Daffy's nephew tries to tell his uncle that he saw a witch, but Daffy is unimpressed, explaining that Daffy "there is no such thing as a witch, and that she's just a poor old lady trying to get along." He tells him that he will prove it by meeting Witch Hazel himself.

We cut to Witch Hazel's home, where she’s complaining that "all she does is work in front of a hot stove making potions." She concludes she needs a vacation, but, before going, she must find someone to take her place. At this point, Speedy Gonzales knocks on her door asking for a cup of cheese. Hazel complains, but soon gets an idea, grabbing a special piece of cheese and feeding it to Speedy. This causes Speedy to turn into an identical copy of Witch Hazel. The real Witch Hazel asks Speedy if he can act like her. Speedy (who takes this all quite calmly) says okay and runs around the house yelling his usual "Ándale, ándale, arriba, arriba, arriba, epa, epa." Witch Hazel notes that he still acts like himself, but it will have to do. She takes off to Hawaii, leaving Speedy in charge of the shop.

Soon Daffy comes over and Speedy welcomes him in, offering him a cup of tea. As Speedy goes off to make the tea, Daffy begins to get a little frightened. He tries to reassure himself by stating "She can be somebody's mother, or father, or something." Witch Speedy gives Daffy the tea, which turns him into the flower creature from Duck Amuck.

Hazel, returning from Hawaii, sees what Speedy has done and turns him back into a mouse. Spotting Daffy, she gets in the mood for a duck dinner and returns Daffy to his old self. Daffy immediately runs away, but Hazel catches him on a broom. Daffy jumps off her broom and parachutes down, but Hazel turns the parachute turns into an anvil. Witch Hazel laughs so hard at what she’s done she fails to see where she’s going and runs into a rock.

Down on the ground, another witch scares Daffy, but this turns out to be his nephew in his witch disguise. His nephew asks him if he saw the witch, but Daffy just tells him, "She's just some creepy old lady trying to scare people, and that witchcraft is just a myth, an old superstition." On the way home, Daffy turns back into the flower creature, unbeknownst to his nephew.

Witch Hazel has also appeared in cameos in various Warner Bros. productions, such as the 1966 movie, Space Jam, and the video games Bugs Bunny: Lost in Time (in which she appears as a boss and also appears on the cover of the game) and Looney Tunes Collector: Alert! (2000). She has also appeared in one episode each of Animaniacs (in a Rita and Runt episode), The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries, Pinky and the Brain, Tiny Toon Adventures, and Duck Dodgers (which not only alludes to Broom-Stick Bunny, but also brings back Foray to do her voice).

In 2011, she evolved into Witch Lezah (Hazel spelled backwards) in The Looney Tunes Show, and was voiced by Roz Ryan, but she was never quite the same wacky character she was before. Sometimes change is not good.

Witch Hazel is one of my favorite Chuck Jones creations. She’s incredibly vain, completely at home with the audience (she breaks through the fourth wall in every cartoon), and consistently funny. I love how her scene exits in Broom-Stick Bunny always end in a flurry of hairpins, a masterful Jones addition. She’s a great foil for Bugs Bunny. Even though she may want to cook and eat him or just needs an essential part of his body for another potion, he’s still able to distract her by playing on her femininity. She’s all witch, but at the same time, she’s all woman, and vulnerable to flattery and sentiment. She can be fierce, or she can be tender. And, similar to Steve Allen, she enjoys her own jokes enormously. “That’s sharp enough to split a hair…Split a hare!” (gales of cackling laughter). But whatever mood she’s in, she’s a great, funny character.

I still like Halloween. I still love costumes, but I don’t go gallivanting in the dark wearing one – too dangerous. I’ll stick with my cartoons, especially those by Chuck Jones.

Where To Find The Witch Hazel Cartoons

Bewitched Bunny: Looney Tunes Golden Collection, Vol. 5 (audio commentary by Eric Goldberg). Looney Tunes Platinum Collection, Vol. 1.

Broom-Stick Bunny: Looney Tunes Golden Collection set, Vol. 2 (audio commentary by June Foray). Looney Tunes Platinum Collection, Vol. 1.

A Witch’s Tangled Hare: Looney Tunes Platinum Collection, Vol. 1.

A-Haunting We Will Go: Looney Tunes Golden Collection set, Vol. 4. Looney Tunes Platinum Collection, Vol. 1.

Cinéma Inhabituel for October 16-31

A Guide to the Rare and Unusual on TCM

By Ed Garea

STAR OF THE MONTH

We continue with David Niven, October’s Star of the Month. While most of the programming scheduled for the two remaining days of his reign is mediocre, there are three classics definitely worth watching.

One interesting thing about Niven’s career is his appearance as James Bond in the 1967 version of Casino Royale. Niven had been Bond creator Ian Fleming’s first choice to portray the super spy in 1962’s Dr. No. Fleming was said to have written the book with Niven in mind and even sent Niven a copy of the text. Niven is also the only actor mentioned by name in a Fleming work. In On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Bond visits an exclusive ski resort in Switzerland where he is told that Niven is also a frequent visitor. In You Only Live Twice, Niven is referred to as the only real gentleman in Hollywood. This begs the question of whether or not Niven was the inspiration for James Bond. No, Fleming based his hero on another spy named Dusan “Dusko” Popov, a triple agent during World War II who, besides being a brilliant spy, was also a ladies man with an extravagant lifestyle.

Another highlight of Niven’s life was during his co-hosting assignment on the 46^th Annual Oscars Ceremony when a naked man streaked behind him across the stage. His response became a classic: "Isn't it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings?"

In July 1982, Blake Edwards engaged Niven to reprise his role of Sir Charles Lytton in cameo appearances in Trail of the Pink Panther and Curse of the Pink Panther, but by this timer Niven’s health problems (ALS) were such that his voice had to be dubbed by Rich Little. Those cameo were to be Niven’s final film appearances.

Besides acting, Niven also found fame as a writer. He wrote two novels (Round the Rugged Rocks, 1951; and Go Slowly, Come Back Quickly, 1981) an autobiography (The Moon’s a Balloon, 1971) and a collection of reminiscences (Bring On The Empty Horses, 1975).

He married twice, the first to Primula Susan Rollo, the daughter of a prominent English barrister, in 1918. The couple had two sons, David, Jr. and Jamie. The marriage lasted until Primula’s accidental death in 1946. In 1958, he married Swedish fashion model Hjordis Paulina Tersmeden; the marriage lasted until Niven’s death in 1983.

October 19: The only pick of the night is Around the World in 80 Days (1956), an engaging movie starring Niven and an all-star cast, including Cantinflas, Robert Morley, Noel Coward, Buster Keaton, and Sir John Gielgud. Mike Todd’s version of the Jules Verne tale is highly entertaining, with a great score from Victor Young and a strong screenplay from James Poe, John Farrow and S.J. Perelman.

October 26: Two films running back to back are the choices this night. First up is the pleasant family comedy Please Don’t Eat the Daises (1960) starring Niven and Doris Day as a drama critic and his family trying to adjust to life in the country. It’s based on Jean Kerr’s stories about life with critic husband Walter Kerr and their family. It’s followed by a marvelous ‘60s comedy, The Impossible Years (1968) with Niven as a famed psychiatrist whose nerves and patience are tested to the limit when his daughter starts dating. It’s based on the wildly successful Broadway play of the same name written by Arthur Marx, Groucho’s son.

October 27: In the spillover from the night before is an underrated gem, Where the Spies Are (1965). It’s one of the better Bond-style spy spoofs with Niven as a country doctor who is persuaded to become a spy. His reason? A promised 1937 Chrysler LeBaron to replace his wrecked 1937 Cord Phaeton. It costars Francoise Dorleac, well known as the older sister of Catherine Deneuve. Dorlac’s career was starting to really take off when she was killed when her sports car flipped and burned in Nice, France, on June 26, 1967. She was only 25 years old.

TCM SPOTLIGHT: TRAILBLAZING WOMEN

As the Spotlight feature continues, the movies being shown (except for October 27) date no earlier than 1980. It became a little easier for women to break into the directorial side of the cinema by that time, as compared to earlier times when women directors became famous as much for their scarcity as for their talent.

After Dorothy Arzner retired in 1943, there were no women directors working in Hollywood until 1949. During filming of the independent production Not Wanted in 1949, director Elmer Clifton suffered a crippling stroke. Producer Ida Lupino took his place and finished the film. She also developed a taste for directing, but there weren’t any openings. So she took the independent route, directing low-budget films to be released by Eagle-Lion and RKO. The first film that brought her to the attention of both critics and public alike was Outrage (1950), an independent production released through RKO. It was a stark and open look at a subject that was taboo in Hollywood, that of rape. The film performed very well at the box office and led to an RKO contract as a director, where she made The Hitch-Hiker and The Bigamist (both in 1953). However, though both films did well, she remained shutout in Hollywood and turned to television, where she carved out a pretty respectable career. The glass ceiling proved so suffocating that even a director with Lupino’s record couldn’t get a gig.

Despite the progress made since the ‘80s, there is still a long way to go, but at least the foot is firmly in the door.

October 20: We lead off at 8:00 with the Penny Marshall classic, A League of Their Own (1992), a film famous for its line “There’s no crying in baseball!” At 10:15 pm, it’s Nora Ephron’s Sleepless in Seattle (1993), starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Barbra Streisand’s The Prince of Tides (1991) takes over at 12:15 am, then it’s a lovely underrated film, Wrestling Ernest Hemingway (1993), from director Randa Haines, starring Robert Duvall and Richard Harris as two lonely retires that strike up an tenuous friendship. Finally, at 5:00 am it’s Jodie Foster’s disappointing Home for the Holidays (1995).

October 22: It’s a night of independent productions from African-American directors, beginning at 8:00 with the late Kathleen Collins directing Losing Ground (1982). At 9:45, it’s Julie Dash’s engaging look at the Gullah culture of the islands off South Carolina and Georgia, Daughters of the Dust (1991). Just Another Girl in the I.R.T.(1992), from Leslie Harris, follows at 11:45 pm. And Ava DuVernay’s recent feature about a woman who is forced to drop out of medical school when her husband is incarcerated, Middle of Nowhere (2012), airs at 1:30 am.

October 27: It’s an evening of films from European and Indian directors. Begin at 8:00 with the original Gigi (1948) from director Jacqueline Audry. Audry, who learned her craft working under the great G.W. Pabst, fashioned quite an interesting tale about a teenage girl (Daniele Delorme) who is being trained to be a courtesan by her grandmother, Mamita (Yvonne de Bray), and her courtesan aunt Alicia (Gaby Morlay). This is light years away from MGM’s 1958 adaptation that took the stuffing out of the original and rendered it into just another harmless musical.

At 9:30, it’s Agnes Varda’s classic, Cleo From 5 to 7 (1962), a compelling drama about two hours in the life of a French singer awaiting the results of her cancer test. While it may sound a tad unexciting, it is anything but. Varda’s genius is in constructing a meaningful drama about a superficial woman’s two-hour journey through the city’s streets neatly contrasting Cleo’s fear of death with the celebration of life going on all around her. Whether encountering friends, lovers, or total strangers we notice her beginning to realize the shallowness of her own life and slowly beginning to look at the world properly, with a sense of the eternal and freedom. Look for cameos by Jean-Luc Godard, Anna Karina and Jean-Claude Brialy as actors in a silent film seen by Cleo and her friend.

At 11:15 pm, it’s Salaam Bombay! (1988) from Mira Nair. A boy, Krisna, is abandoned by his mother at the Apollo Circus and told that he can only return home when he has the 500 rupees to pay for the bicycle of his brother that he wrecked. Nair shows his progression on the streets of Bombay, as each day is a test of survival with the hope that somehow he’ll be able to raise the money that will let him come home. It is a movie that, once seen, will remain always within our consciousness.

Lina Wertmuller, the queen of the surreal and unexpected, takes over at 1:15 am with her masterly Love and Anarchy (1973). Frequent star Giancarlo Giannini is a farmer whose close friend has been killed by Fascists. Outraged, he decides to kill Mussolini. His anarchist connections take him to Rome where he links up with his anarchist contact, a highly popular prostitute named Salome who works in a Roman bordello that also happens to be popular with the Fascists, especially Mussolini’s head of security. The film is typical Wertmuller – takes a while to get going, but once it does, we’re hooked.

Last, and certainly least, is an effort from the late Chantal Akerman, Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles (1975), airing at 3:15 am. It’s an interesting film about a lonely widow who is forced to turn to prostitution to make ends meet, but it moves at a snail’s pace and at 3 hours and 21 minutes is just too long.

October 29: A mixed bag this evening with the best bets being Kathryn Bigelow’s war drama, The Hurt Locker (2008), and Salma Hayek in Julie Taymor’s Frida (2002), about the life and loves of Mexican artist Frida Kahlo. Both are well worth the time and effort.

FROM THE DISNEY VAULTS

October 28: Included are three cartoons scheduled at 8:00 pm including the 1933 Disney cartoon classic, Three Little Pigs. It was one of the most popular films, period, of the Depression and the Big Bad Wolf was said to have been a symbol of the Depression. The version we will see is most likely the edited version. In the original version, pulled from theaters shortly after its debut and replaced with a less disturbing version, the Wolf disguises himself as a Jewish peddler to gain entry into the pigs’ house. This may be why it was reportedly one of Adolf Hitler’s favorite films. He was said to have loved whistling the track “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf,” which also became a hit in America as well.

PSYCHOTRONICA

October 16: It’s a night devoted to “Killer Kids.” The best bets this night actually begin at 1:45 am with Village of the Damned (1960). George Sanders and Barbara Shelley must save the world from a brood of blond children all born on the same day to women in a British village impregnated in a most unusual manner. The children are not of this Earth and by looking at someone they can drive him or her to their death.

Following at 3:15 am is Curse of the Cat People (1944), a most unusual horror film from producer Val Lewton and RKO. Originally positioned as a sequel to 1942’s successful Cat People, it really not a sequel but a wonderfully atmospheric story of a lonely little girl who conjures up an image of her father’s first wife. For those looking for straight horror, dial somewhere else. For those looking for an excellent, moody adult fantasy, this is for you.

From director Jaromil Jires comes Valerie and Her Week of Wonder (1970). Based closely on Vtezslav Nezval’s fantasy novel of the same name, it’s a surreal tale of the sexual coming of age of a young woman told through a monstrous metaphor: vampires, who prey on the innocent to drain their youth and vitality. The film went through the usual process in Czechoslovakia, released, and later repressed. It was almost totally forgotten, consigned to the dustbins of cinema history, but word-of-mouth among cinephiles and revival screenings kept it alive and in the cinema consciousness. It also served as the role model for other films that combined the feminine and the monstrous, such as Lemora: A Child Tale of the Supernatural (1973), Carrie (1976), and The Company of Wolves (2012).

October 23: Best bets tonight include The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939) at 10:30 pm with Charles Laughton giving a wonderful performance as the hunchback with Maureen O’Hara providing excellent support.

At 2:00 am, it’s one the classics of the genre, The Picture of Dorian Gray (1945), adapted from the Oscar Wilde work and starring George Sanders and Hurd Hatfield. It’s followed at 4:00 am by that old Hammer standard, The Curse of Frankenstein (1957), starring Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee.

October 29: It’s a whole morning and afternoon of horror, with the best being The Devil-Doll (1936) at 9:15 am, and the Roger Corman schmiel double feature of Bucket of Blood (1959) and Little Shop of Horrors (1960) at 5 pm.

October 30: It’s an entire day of horror. Best bets are the Hammer version of The Mummy (1959), at 8:15 am; Dracula, Prince of Darkness (1966), at 9:45 am, and Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed! (1970) at 3:00 pm. A curiosity for fans of the English detective series Foyle’s War will be Dracula A.D., 1972 (1972), as Inspector Foyle himself, Michael Kitchen, is featured in a supporting role.

The evening is devoted to the one and only Val Lewton, with Cat People (1942) at 8:00 pm, the wonderful Martin Scorsese documentary, Martin Scorsese Presents, Val Lewton: The Man in the Shadows at 9:30, The Seventh Victim (1943) at 11:00, The Leopard Man (1943) at 12:15 am, The Ghost Ship (1943) at 1:30 am, The Body Snatcher (1945) at 2:45 am, Isle of the Dead (1945) at 4:15 am, and, finally, Bedlam (1946) at 5:30 am. All are recommended; the last three are starring Boris Karloff, an added treat for horror fans.

October 31: Halloween continues the horror marathon. Best bets are Doctor X (1932) at 7:00 am, the underrated White Zombie (1932) with Bela Lugosi at 8:30 am, Vincent Price in The Tingler (1959) at 3:00 pm and House of Wax (1953) at 4:30.

The evening brings us an encore airing of The Picture of Dorian Gray (1945) at 8:00 pm, Curse of the Demon (1958) at 10:00 pm, the excellent Dead of Night (1945) from Ealing Studios, at 11:30 pm, and Tod Browning’s Mark of the Vampire (1935) with Bela Lugosi and Lionel Barrymore, at 1:30 am.

TCM TiVo Alert for October 15-22

TCM TiVo ALERT

For

October 15–October 22

DAVID’S BEST BETS:

HARLAN COUNTY U.S.A. (October 15, 9:30 pm): A powerful advocacy documentary about southeastern Kentucky mine workers who go on a lengthy strike in part because the proposed labor contract from a subsidiary of the Duke Power Co. includes a provision banning union strikes. The documentary team, led by Barbara Kopple, the director and producer, spent a couple of years filming the strikers. There are some extraordinarily intimate scenes about the struggles of the strikers and their families during the lengthy work stoppage. There is no narration to the film – but there are a few key pieces of information that is shown on the screen – with the strikers and their families telling their stories. After a while, the national union's presence is gone leaving the local workers to fight one of the nation's largest energy companies, and still one to this day, on their own. One of the film's flaws is it's told almost entirely from the side of the workers. But that was because the company had no interest in participating in the film. Even with that challenge, the film is exceptional. It won the 1977 Oscar for Best Documentary.

THE PETRIFIED FOREST (October 17, 10:00 pm): This is film noir before the term was coined. In one of his first major roles, Humphrey Bogart plays Duke Mantee, a notorious gangster on the run. Bogart was so great in this 1936 film as the heavy – bringing depth, emotion and character to the role – that Warner Brothers spent nearly five years casting Bogart in other movies as the bad guy. But very few were of this quality. Duke and his gang end up in a diner near the Petrified Forest in Arizona with the police chasing them. The gang takes everyone inside hostage, including Alan Squier (Leslie Howard), a once great writer who is now an alcoholic. Not fearing death because of what life has become for him, Squier engages Duke in conversation, pushing his buttons. The interaction between the two is outstanding. The film is an adaption of the play that featured Howard and Bogart in the same roles. Also at the dinner is Gabrielle Maple (Bette Davis), who owns it with her father and grandfather. Davis is excellent and even subdued as a secondary character.

ED’S BEST BETS:

THREE ON A MATCH (October 15, 7:15 am): The Pre-Code era was noted for producing some pretty strong films, and this entry was amongst the strongest. Ann Dvorak, Joan Blondell, and Bette Davis are three childhood friends who have a reunion at a restaurant and vow to stay in touch. They then light their cigarettes on one match, hence the title. The famous superstition predicts bad things for those who do so, and each suffers her share of the bad life. However, the one who falls the furthest gives the movie both its twist and its reputation as among the most lurid of the Pre-code films. Humphrey Bogart is on hand as well as (what else?) a gangster. He turns in a good performance, as does Warren William, playing a good guy for once. For those new to Pre-Code films, this is one to watch.

THE PRODUCERS (October 21, 8:00 pm): Mel Brooks began his directorial career with a film reviled at the time by many critics, but now justly seen as one of the classics of cinema. Two Broadway producers (Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder) discover that they can make more money putting on a flop than financing a hit. All they have to do is raise more cash than they need for the play. But they just find a sure-fire flop, for they have pre-sold somewhere around 10,000% of the play, and if it’s a hit, they can’t pay off the backers. Their vehicle is a musical titled “Springtime for Hitler,” the love story of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun in song. They chose the worst director, the worst actor, and have signed the play’s author, a nutty Nazi living in Greenwich Village. I won’t say any more in case you’re one of the few that hasn’t yet seen this classic.

WE DISAGREE ON ... HEAVY METAL (October 17, 4:15 am)

ED: B+. Heavy Metal is a quirky animated adaptation of the cult magazine that was originally adapted from a French adult comic book and which predated the rise of the graphic novel. Though the animation was quickly surpassed in quality by the Japanese anime of the mid-‘80s, the strength of the movie lies in its stories, most of which are quite enjoyable, with one, “B-17,” being a classic of its genre. Another strong point of the film is its soundtrack, featuring the likes of Devo, Sammy Hagar, Blue Oyster Cult, Donald Fagan, Stevie Nicks, Nazareth, Grand Funk Railroad, Journey, Cheap Trick, Black Sabbath, Don Felder, Riggs, and Trust. Besides the dated animation, another drawback of the film is its cult status, which has quickly worn off as its audience died off. Like the vast majority of films, it cannot transcend its zeitgeist and so is relegated to antiquity. Watching it can be like seeing a film from the early sound days. However, in the final analysis this only becomes another reason for seeing it, as it’s an example of a genre that has not survived into the present.

DAVID: D+. To be blunt, this movie is garbage and a huge waste of 90 minutes. The "stories" are pointless except to show tons of gratuitous sex and violence in cartoon form. Inspired by the graphic novel of the same name, the viewer goes from one ridiculous scene to the next. Some are connected, but good luck figuring out what's happening. You'd think that with the cartoon sex and violence that it would keep the attention of the viewer. You'd be wrong. It's rather dull and lifeless. The movie came out in 1981 when I was 14 years old. I was the exact target audience for this film. At that age, many guys are into sex and violence even if it's with animated characters. I wasn't impressed then and after seeing it again two years ago, I'm even less impressed. While many of the musicians whose songs are used in this movie are excellent, the ones in this film are largely throw-away. The only song most people recognize is Journey's "Open Arms." There's also an inferior remake by Devo of "Working in the Coal Mine." The only reason this film doesn't get an F grade is because some of the characters' voices are done by legendary SCTV actors, including John Candy, Eugene Levy and Joe Flaherty – and I'm a huge fan of that classic TV show.

For the complete list of films on the TCM TiVo Alert, click here.

Remembrance of Things Past

Dinner and a Movie

By Steve Herte

This last week of my vacation included re-introducing Betty and Maggie, two friends from karaoke, to the Bronx Zoo. They loved it and increased my love of it by their reactions to the various animals – even the chipmunks scampering everywhere and the peacocks begging for food at the café.

On my continued foray down my basement I removed another bag of garbage and disposed of two 70-year-old carpets. These carpeted the floors of our former home in Astoria, Queens, before we moved. They were so thin I could tear them apart with my bare hands.

The only interesting discoveries were an old flashlight (that still works), an old-fashioned cartridge fountain pen, and a silver candlestick (when I cleaned it, the black tarnish came off willingly). Other than that, it was an adventure just making space out of clutter.

While I was at the zoo, I learned that my Dad had one of his unpredictable blackout spells where he winds up on the floor and has no recollection of falling except for the aches that follow. After taking him to his doctor, who was inconclusive, my sister advised me not to go to my usual Friday dinner and movie, and keep an eye on him. This is what prompted this rather long mémoire. Enjoy!

Films of My Youth

It was the 1950s. Doo-wop was in its heyday, though I was completely oblivious of its existence. It was the first 10 years of my life. All I knew was Lawrence Welk, Xavier Cougat, and German beer-drinking music, and those only on Sundays. But I was not totally insulated. Over that period of time, my parents occasionally brought me to the movies. Dad bought a bag of hot, fresh, soft pretzels and we were set. I remember these films from the big screen even though, at the time, I sometimes had no idea of the implications in the stories. Presented here are the memories I have of those rare treats and their impressions.

Lili (1953) – Leslie Caron as Lili Daurier, Mel Ferrer as Paul Berthalet, Jean-Pierre Aumont as Marc (aka Marcus the Magnificent), Zsa Zsa Gabor as Rosalie, Kurt Kasznar as Jacquot and Amanda Blake as Peach Lips. At the time, I thought it was a lovely story about a young French girl, a carnival, four puppets and a cute song, “Hi-Lili, Hi-Lo.” I was just as naïve as the character Leslie Caron played. However, when I read the actual story, I was moved to re-view the film and enjoy it in a completely different way.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954) – With James Mason as Captain Nemo, Paul Lukas as Pierre Arronax, and Kirk Douglas as Ned Land, I had no problem understanding this movie. Like my mother, I was already a fan of anything involving undersea scenes and this one had a great one with a giant squid attacking the submarine! It was still early in the development of special effects, but I was convinced.

Moby Dick (1956) – Gregory Peck as Captain Ahab, Richard Basehart as Ishmael, Leo Genn as Starbuck, James Robertson Justice as Captain Boomer, Harry Andrews as Stubb, and Bernard Miles as The Manxman. By now, I had read several books on animals and, though this was an exciting film for me, I just couldn’t comprehend the obsession of chasing an animal that didn’t exist. The white sperm whale moved convincingly and that was enough for me. I cheered for the whale. Later on, in high school it was explained that Moby Dick was an allegoric whale. But now, there’s a new movie coming out entitled In the Heart of the Sea that claims that the book was based on a real story. Maybe I’ll see it to find out.

The King and I (1956) – Deborah Kerr as Anna Leonowens, Yul Brynner as King Mongkut of Siam, Rita Moreno as Tuptim. One of my first musicals and, I thought, done in a grand style. The costumes and sets were so colorful and elaborate. I still love “Shall We Dance” and “March of the Siamese Children” though “Getting to Know You” was a little corny, even then. I loved it when Anna showed the King of Siam the actual size of his country on a global map. Geography was a favorite subject for me at that time. The only thing that confused me was the unexplained cause of death for the King.

The Ten Commandments (1956) – Charlton Heston as Moses, Yul Brynner as Rameses, Anne Baxter as Nefretiri, Edward G. Robinson as Dathan, Yvonne DeCarlo as Sephora, Debra Paget as Lilia, John Derek as Joshua, Cedric Hardwicke as Seti, Nina Foch as Bithiah, Martha Scott as Yochabel. Judith Anderson as Memnet, Vincent Price as Baka and John Carradine as Aaron. No matter how many times I see this movie I still see something I missed the time before. On first viewing it was a spectacle, full of amazing effects and supported by powerful music. My favorite scene was when the Angel of Death oozes down from the sky as a green mist and snakes through the streets. It was chilling. Now I see the hilarity of the miscast Edward G. Robinson in an improbable part. Today, I see The Ten Commandments as an arty series of tableaux interspersed with moderately good special effects and strong to over-the-top acting, but I enjoy it anyway.

The Pajama Game (1957) – Doris Day as Babe Williams, John Raitt as Sid Sorokin, Carol Haney as Gladys Hotchkiss, Eddie Foy Jr. as Vernon Hines, and Reta Shaw as Mabel. It was my second musical and a regrettably forgettable movie. I do remember the theme song and the “Hurry Up” song, which was slowed down (cleverly) when the workers at the factory staged a work slow-down as a form of protest to get a “Seven and a Half Cents” raise. I guess the tango was a fad at that time; otherwise the song “Hernando’s Hideaway” would not have been featured. Good thing it was. I love tangos. As far as it being a love story, however, I was clueless at the time.

The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957) – William Holden as Shears, Alec Guinness as Colonel Nicholson, Jack Hawkins as Major Warden, Sessue Hayakawa as Colonel Saito. OK, I knew this was a World War II film and I understood that the major amount of characters were prisoners of war to the Japanese, but I had no idea it took place in Burma. I was frankly amazed that so many men could whistle the theme song perfectly in tune. (I can’t whistle, not then, not now.) But the movie had a really cool train wreck as it plummeted off the destroyed bridge.

Gigi (1958) – Leslie Caron as Gigi, Maurice Chevalier as Honore Lachaille, Louis Jourdan as Gaston Lachaille, Hermione Gingold as Madame Alvarez, Eva Gabor as Liane d’Extremans and Jacques Bergerac as Sandomir. My third musical and, for me, a definite top 10 rater as musicals go. Though the title song didn’t grab me (too sappy, and I didn’t like the way Jourdan sang it) there were much better songs and they were delivered with real feeling. “I Don’t Understand the Parisians” was almost atonally sung by Caron but with great emotion. My favorite song, “I Remember It Well,” the Chevalier/Gingold duet was charming and ultimately memorable. I could sing it entirely today. But again, the plot was obscured by the costumes and music for me. I had no idea that Gigi was being trained to be a courtesan. Re-viewing it recently opened my eyes. As I start senior-hood, the song “I’m Glad I’m Not Young Anymore” has real meaning for me.

Vertigo (1958) – With James Stewart as John ‘Scottie’ Ferguson, Kim Novak as Madeleine Elster/Judy Barton, Barbara Bel Geddes as Midge Wood, and Tom Helmore as Gavin Elster, it was my first Alfred Hitchcock film, and one that made me a fan of his work ever after. At the time I had no idea what acrophobia was, but I knew I never wanted to experience it. Much later on, when I leaned over the rail at the top of the Eiffel Tower to take a picture straight down, I knew I didn’t have it. The film was undeniably exciting and no one can beat Hitchcock’s sense of timing and building suspense. And yes, I look for Hitch’s cameos in every movie.

The Vikings (1958) – Kirk Douglas as Einar, Tony Curtis as Eric, Ernest Borgnine as Ragnar, Janet Leigh as Morgana. Even though the three main male characters are totally unbelievable as Vikings to me now, they made being a Viking fun for me back then. I had to wonder how Moby Dick would have changed if Kirk Douglas opened the movie with “Whale of a Tale.” Some reviewers have called it a “Norse Opera” (Ha-ha!). But hey, it had a king, a beautiful princess, slavery and men brandishing swords. What else could a young viewer want?

The Alamo (1960) – John Wayne as Colonel Davy Crockett, Richard Widmark as Colonel Jim Bowie, Laurence Harvey as Colonel William Travis, Frankie Avalon as Smitty, Patrick Wayne as Captain James Butler Bonham. Though I knew the outcome of this historical film, it was exciting to see the interpretation of how events unfolded. At the time, John Wayne could play any hero and I would believe him. Now, not so much. On the big screen though, this movie had an impact. The dramatic cinematography, ferocious fighting and artful scenery shots made it a true blockbuster before the term was invented. I loved the song “Green Leaves of Summer,” and was humming it all the way home.

You may have noticed that there are no films from 1955. My brother was born in 1954 and we were four children at that time, very close in age, which kept my parents pretty busy. Even though Lady and the Tramp came out that year I didn’t see it until it was re-released and we had moved from Astoria to Queens Village, when I was old enough to walk to the Queens or Community theaters myself with a group of friends. Unfortunately, these two movie houses, the Alden and Loew’s Valencia in Jamaica proper, were all converted to churches of various denominations and the next nearest to me, The Floral Theater in Floral Park went out of business and is still unleased. That left no theaters within walking distance. Now, I pretty much depend on theaters in Manhattan.

I have fond memories of my movie adventures with Mom and Dad and can appreciate the wonder of a child seeing Hollywood’s greatest creations on the big screen. Today, I call this amazed reaction the “Wow!” factor and look for it in every movie.

First Tastes

If you’ve been following my column, you’ve noticed that I have eclectic tastes in dining. It wasn’t always so. I was a picky eater as a child but was not allowed to refuse any food placed in front of me. Dessert never came until my plate was clean and we were not allowed to slip food to the dog. How picky was I? I stopped eating bananas for years after tasting a rotten one. I hated pasta for at least a decade after having had baked macaroni repeatedly on Fridays in Lent. My Aunt Katie’s Chicken Paprikras was raved about by everyone in my family but me. The undercooked chicken skin gave me nightmares and her tarnished silverware added a gross metallic taste to everything. I didn’t like anything cooked in a pressure cooker (still don’t) and today I know why. asparagus, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts and spinach all come out of the cooker tasting like nothing and smell bad. Got the idea?

But then there came the day of my graduation from Manhattan Community College. Mom and Dad took me to my first restaurant, a Swedish smorgasbord at The Stockholm on 151 W. 51^st St. in the Abbey Victoria Hotel in Manhattan. I never saw so much food I’ve never had before. Do I remember any of it? Not much, but I took to Swedish meatballs really fast and I loved cherry tomatoes. Not too long after, the Abbey Victoria was torn down and a new building stands in its place. The Aldo Sohm Wine Bar now occupies the address of my first dining experience.

When my sister graduated St. Michael’s Academy, I had my second dinner out. It was at the Cattleman Palace Steakhouse at 5 E. 45^th St. I remember being impressed at the steaks and it was the first time I had a Wedge Salad – a quarter of a head of lettuce with dressing on the side. I loved it then, but you couldn’t pay me to order one now, too boring. The address is now the location of the Midtown Center for Pace University.

I discovered my favorite ethnic cuisine while directing a barbershop chorus in Flushing. The Indian restaurant Kalpana at 42-87 Main St. was a little hole-in-the-wall, but every dish was a new experience for me. The spices, the aromas, unique breads, and the strange, sweet desserts had me returning week after week. It was there I bit into a cardamom pod for the first time and was totally disgusted (it tasted like soap to me). Since then I’ve learned that cardamom is an integral part of Indian cuisine and am now used to it. I also learned that the first aroma I ever loved at Kalpana was from bay leaves cooking with onions. Kalpana too has left the world of gastronomy, and the address is now the Lu Xiang Yuan Chinese restaurant.

My first taste of real Italian food came at the famous Mama Leone’s at 361 W. 44^th St. The bustling service and trays of cheese as pre-appetizers was mind-boggling; that is until I learned about turnover in a Theater District restaurant. The speedy service was meant to keep the flow of customers going. Mama gave way to an apartment house. Later, while with the same chorus in Queens, I experienced La Gioconda at 42-59 Main St., Flushing (strangely enough, only two doors away from Kalpana). I learned here that the restaurant name is the Italian title of the Mona Lisa and, indeed, they did have a copy tucked away in the back of the place. Each time I dined there I suggested that it be brought closer to the front, but, alas, they never moved it. It was at La Gioconda that I fell in love with cannelloni and concluded that not all pastas were bad. It wasn’t until much later, on my second trip to Italy, that I became addicted to pasta. The space that once was La Gioconda is now Xindeyi International Trade USA, Inc. While speaking of Italian restaurants, it would unfair of me not to mention Bacigalup’s (any Abbott and Costello fans out there?) where I discovered Al Arabiata sauce – a spicy tomato sauce made with crushed pepper. The Best North Dumpling Soup Chinese restaurant now occupies that space in the Golden Shopping Mall.

My second favorite cuisine was an interesting first. I knew French food was generally expensive, especially in Manhattan, and that they generally required one to dress for dinner. My sister gave me all that information when she dined at La Cave Henri IV at 227 E. 50^th St. with her French Club from school. 53^rd Street on the east side of Fifth Avenue has always been a French enclave and I chose Le Quercy at 52 W. 53^rd St. It was a great opportunity to use the French I learned from high school into college. I didn’t order escargot that time, but I did get adventurous enough to try Cuisses de Grenouille (frog’s legs) and I loved it. They were garlicky, tender and the texture of delicate chicken meat but without the chicken flavor. (Don’t let anyone tell you that anything, besides chicken, tastes like chicken.) What happened to Le Quercy? It’s now an apartment building. Later on, I dined at La Cave Henri IV and enjoyed it as well. An apartment building took this French restaurant’s place as well.

My Dad introduced me to Chinese food when he brought home those unique combination cans of Chun King dinners, the ones with the gluey goop in the bottom can and the crisp Chinese “noodles” in the top one. Just add rice and you’ve totally deluded yourself about Chinese cuisine. In 1965, I had some money of my own and decided to have dinner at the Chun King Pavilion at the 1964-65 World’s Fair in Flushing Meadows. It was a little better than the canned stuff, and it piqued my curiosity. Later, while in my second year of college, I went to my first real Chinese restaurant, The Lotus Eaters, at 182 5^th Ave. This was an eye opener. There was actual, recognizable food served here, with delightful flavors – nothing like what I was used to. It started me on my love for Chinese food and spurred my trying strange, new flavors. Peking Duck is now tops on my list of dishes and the strangest? Jellyfish. Yes, those creatures without bones or brain that go ballooning through the ocean. (They don’t taste like chicken either.) What I had was crispy, translucent strips, with the main flavor being garlic. The Lotus Eaters has succumbed to a Bikram Yoga salon upstairs over a 7-Eleven.

If the lead in my quartet is reading this article I’d say, “Chef Chet, you can skip this paragraph.” He doesn’t accept Mexican food as a cuisine. But he’s never been to the places I have. The tacos at a drive-through Jack in the Box franchise got me interested in Mexican. They were spicy, difficult to eat without them crumbling all over you, and made the car smell bad the next day. Much later, on a mystery plane trip to Louisville, Kentucky, I dined with friends at Chi Chi’s (another franchise) and was amazed. I loved their enchiladas mole (chili and chocolate sauce) and sought out that recipe at every Mexican place since. It’s only too bad that the Chi Chi’s in Manhattan paled in comparison and went out of business. The one in Manhasset, Long Island, was great. Eventually, I settled on El Coyote at 774 Broadway while I was rehearsing with the Mixed Nuts quartet. I got to love Blue Margaritas there. Douglas Elliman Real Estate offices are now where El Coyote used to be.

In the early years of my working career a number of people I worked with sang the praises of Soul Food. And, second only to Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem (now closed) which was also beyond my adventuresome territory at the time, there was Jack’s Nest at 310 3^rd Ave. After having had ham hocks, black-eyed peas and collard greens cooked in fatback, I understood. The sweetness of this artery-hardening cuisine gave me such a sugar buzz I felt I could take over the world. It’s great food, but a steady diet of it was decidedly dangerous to my waistline. Jack’s Nest is now a residence hall for New York University.

When my Dad started researching our family tree and actually found direct relatives in Germany (both sides of my family go back to the same country), I understood why I loved my mother’s sauerbraten. It took forever to marinate and prepare but it was excellent. Where to find German cuisine in Manhattan? I started with a franchise called Zum Zum on Fulton Street downtown. But instead of my mother’s cooking, they stressed the sausage side of German recipes with sauerkraut (of course). It was good, but it was not the whole story. 

Strangely enough, Jack’s Nest prepared me for my favorite German dish, which I found at two places, Rolf’s (281 3^rd Ave. – still there today) and The Happy Wanderer at 6405 Stanley Ave. in Niagara, Canada (also, still there today, hurray!). It was, and still is, Eisbein (pig’s feet). Zum Zum changed hands many times and is now a souvenir shop.

On my mother’s mother’s side of the family we are Hungarian. In my early years, my only exposure to Hungarian cooking was my mother’s half-sister, Aunt Katie. I adored her stuffed cabbage and zsiros kenyer (another artery-hardener consisting of pork fat soaked rye bread topped with sautéed onions and peppers and salt – translated as “greasy bread”). But once again, it’s not the whole story. While was on a trip to a barbershop convention, a friend took me to Csikos at 3601 Connecticut Ave. NW in Washington, D.C. Good thing he was there. I would not have known that the garlic clove was there for rubbing on the bread (instead of butter). I now have a new appreciation for Chicken Paprikas – it was excellent, well cooked, and with perfectly polished utensils. Unfortunately, Csikos went the way of so many others. It’s now an apartment building.

While we’re in Eastern Europe, Austrian cuisine is an interesting one. It’s not a totally unique style, not quite German, not quite French, a lighter, gentler combination of both (though Austrians will never agree to that description). My first acquaintance with it was at Wienerwald (Vienna woods) another franchise, this one at 1650 Broadway. They served the standard Wiener schnitzel and various other preparations of pounded veal as well as a wurst platter. OK, but neither here nor there. In subsequent Austrian forays, I learned that it is the dessert course that defines the Austrian cuisine. Austria knows chocolate and how to serve it. My fondest Austrian cuisine memory was Christmas with Helene at Danube (30 Hudson St., New York) which is now an upscale Japanese restaurant called brushstroke. And Wienerwald? It’s now Ellen’s Stardust Diner, home of singing (loud) waiters and waitresses – they’re excellent singers, I just don’t like being forced to acknowledge them.

When I started my work career in 1973, Delphi was long in business at 109 W. Broadway. This fabulous Greek survivor was always there, even after 9/11. Their souvlaki was superb, their kebabs were succulent; even their salads were something special. I ate there for lunch several times and the quality never flagged, but dinner was amazing. The owner cued me into exohiko (lamb shank) and I’ve been a big fan of this dish ever since. Though I’ve dined at good Greek restaurants, particularly the estiatorios, I still mourn the loss of Delphi. Suddenly one day it was gone. And just as suddenly Super Linda, a Latin-American restaurant, was in its place. It was very good, but it was not Delphi. In about two years after, the space was empty and is currently unleased.

I had to ease into Japanese cuisine, as the stories people told me were never positive. But Dosanko, at 19 Murray St., was a safe orientation. They had great soups, with the curried one being my favorite. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. My good friend (and surrogate big brother) Tony introduced me to sushi at a small eatery in the food court at the White Plains Galleria. We sat at a counter as the various sushis traveled by in little plates on a stainless steel conveyor belt. Tony explained to me what each fish was and I tried several. I couldn’t believe that fish could taste so good uncooked. Now I’m spoiled. But I never have sushi at anyplace less than reputable. It could be dangerous, especially the Fugu (a poisonous blowfish requiring expert preparation) I eventually ate at Morimoto in Philadelphia. Dosanko is Tribeca Eye Physicians/Optometrists today.

When does Seafood become a culinary adventure? I’ve had flounder, tuna, swordfish and shrimp at home before the price became prohibitive. But for me, there was one memorable standout: Smitty’s, at 5 Gold St. The seafood normally was great there but then I discovered shad roe, a dish only available in late March and early April. The chef at Smitty’s wrapped the crescent-shaped egg case in bacon and the result was incredible! Once I got over the look of the dish and the slightly fishy taste it’s a great audience shocker. I vowed to have it once a year and tried to remember when the peak season was.

Historic note

Speaking of seafood always makes my melancholic for the loss of Sweet’s Restaurant (2 and 4 Fulton St.): A true piece of the history of New York City, Sweets was founded by Abraham Sweet in 1842 was the oldest seafood restaurant in New York for many years. Owner and Manager Lea Lake died at 89 in 1988 after 55 years on the job, and I had thought her son didn’t want to take up the business. But Sweets lasted until 1992 when a destructive “Nor-Easter” storm sounded its death knell. I still remember the Finan Haddie there and have found it nowhere else.

But wait! What about Spanish cuisine? Long ago (well, it seems like long ago) I met my good friend Renate at the ritzy Chateau Madrid at 48^th Street and Lexington Avenue. I’ll never forget it. The restaurant had a “jacket-required” rule. I was not aware and was not wearing one. I was politely led to a coatroom and the only jacket that fit me was a white plaid. Great! Except I was wearing red plaid pants. The two screamed at each other. After Renate and I stopped laughing, I heard the band start a tango. No one was on the floor and I asked her to dance. “Are you kidding?” “The situation is not going to get any sillier. Let’s take advantage of it.” We danced beautifully and didn’t laugh once. Then, while we talked and I enjoyed my first Sopa de Ajo (garlic soup) the Flamenco group “Kids from Spain” took the dance floor. She later introduced me to escargot at the Café Valois 95-26 Queens Blvd. in Rego Park, an obviously Spanish restaurant with a very French name. Alas, Renate moved to Florida and I think about her at every Spanish restaurant (and on the rare occasions I’m under-dressed).  The Chateau Madrid is now Raffles Bistro in The Lexington Hotel and the Café Valois is Andy’s Seafood and Grill, a Taiwanese burger joint.

I cannot forget Cajun, that spicy cuisine from the Arcadians who moved from Maine to Louisiana. My first was at La Louisiana at 132 Lexington Ave. I never would have thought that I could like catfish, or crawfish etouffée, much less a sandwich called a “Po Boy” or a side dish called “dirty rice,” but now I love them all. On a trip to New Orleans I had alligator in three different ethnic restaurants and enjoyed it, especially sided with dirty rice. Back in New York I was glad to have had the privilege to have dined at K-Paul’s, Paul Prudhomme’s restaurant at 622 Broadway. Though it had strange rules, like every diner at the same table must order something different; and when you clean your plate (as I did) you get a gold star. (And, I did, and the waitress stuck one on my forehead). They offered Cajun martinis by the pitcher (whoopee!) made with jalapeno infused gin or vodka and garnished with a radish. La Louisiana is now an apartment building and K-Paul’s is Rockstar Games, an electronics store.

Spanish cuisine led me to Portuguese, Brazilian, Argentine, Peruvian, Colombian, Ecuadorian, Salvadoran, Latino, Puerto Rican, Cuban, Jamaican and West Indian. The French resulted in experiments in Belgian, Basque, Haitian and Moroccan. Greek was logically followed by Turkish, Lebanese, Iranian, Israeli, Armenian, and yes, Libyan. Soul food went to Ethiopian, Egyptian, South African, and Ghanian. Chinese and Japanese were followed by Philipino, Tibetan, Burmese, Thai, Cambodian, Malaysian, Laotian, Vietnamese, Indonesian and Polynesian. The logical consequence of Indian was Pakistani, Afghani, and Bangladeshi. And of course, German led to Netherlandic, Icelandic, Norwegian, Swedish and Danish. Italian cuisine followed the map to Swiss, Romanian, and Russian. 

After 2,691 restaurants I cannot consider myself a picky eater anymore, though I’m still selective where I order apple pie (I like it occasionally.) and there are many dishes I haven’t tried. The Chinese have two good examples: 100-Year-Old Egg (just the concept is stomach-turning), and Sea Cucumber (the answer to the question, “What’s green and slimy and smells of fish, and dares you to eat it?”). I don’t consider myself a gourmet, mainly because the term has been seriously misused as an adjective too many times. I prefer connoisseur or just omnivore. What’s that? Would I try entomophagy (eating insects)? Maybe, if it doesn’t look similar to what it looked like alive.

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