The Giant Slayer of Tribeca
By Steve Herte
This has been a week. I finished the Christening
set I was making for my goddaughter's child (to be born in May) and I had a
great Friday evening's dining. The New York Gem show was this weekend but I
couldn't find the time for it. Looking forward, I'm anticipating the karaoke contest
I've entered, and maybe I'll practice a little at my usual session. But for now,
it's Dinner and a Movie time. Enjoy!
Jack the Giant Slayer in 3D (New Line, 2013) Director: Bryan
Singer. Cast: Nicholas Hoult, Eleanor Tomlinson, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci,
Ian McShane, Tim Foley, Tandy Wright, Sydney Rawson, Michael Self, Christopher
Fairbank, Simon Lowe, Craig Salisbury, Ewen Bremner, Eddie Marsan.
It
must be the fashion for re-telling fairy tales. We have Once Upon a
Time and Grimm on television and Hansel and
Gretel, several versions of Snow White, and Red Riding Hood on the silver
screen. Now it’s time for Jack and the Beanstalk to get a dusting off and
re-mastering.
Right
off the bat it must be said that even though this version is non-bloody and the
“f” word is only used once, it is still not for toddlers – no matter how
sophisticated you think your child is.
The
backstory of the fairy tale – what we never learned as children – is told at
the beginning simultaneously by Jack’s father (Foley) and Princess Isabel’s
mother, the Queen (Wright). The story inspires the young Jack (Self) to be one
of the King’s Guardians when he grows up. The young Isabel (Rawson) is inspired
to run off and have an adventure rather than become Queen. The tale they both
tell is of a race of giants who descend the beanstalk with the intent of having
all mankind as (not for) dinner and with the intent of ruling the Earth again.
A crown is made by the learned men of the time from the heart of a slain giant
and whoever wears the crown can control and rule them. King Eric (Salisbury) wears
the crown and commands the giants to return to their land suspended between
Heaven and Earth and, when they obey, he has the beanstalk cut down.
Time
passes and this story fades into legend and Jack (Hoult) grows into manhood.
He’s living the life of a poor farmer in a leaky cottage with his Uncle
(Fairbank) who assigns him to go into town and sell the horse and cart (not the
family cow as in the original) to get some thatch to fix the roof. The Uncle
knows Jack’s propensity for flights of fancy and warns him not to get
“distracted.” But we know better. He attends a play where little people reenact
the legend of King Eric (Warwick Davis of Star Wars fame plays
Old Hamm in this troupe). Princess Isabel (Tomlinson) is also in attendance (in
disguise, of course) and is accosted by some lusty ruffians. Jack attempts to defend
her honor and, fortunately for him, the King’s guardian Elmont (McGregor)
appears on horseback and whisks the princess away before he can be trounced. He
realizes what has just happened and who he was defending, and leaves the tent
only to discover that his cart has been stolen but the horse is still there.
(Sounds like a New York scene to me.)
He
meets up with a monk (Lowe) who has just been rummaging through Guardian
Roderick’s (Tucci) apartment in the castle and has retrieved the magic beans.
He convinces Jack to trade the horse for the beans with the promise that he can
redeem the beans for money at the friary and gallops off, only to be recaptured
by Roderick’s men. Roderick is relieved that the monk didn’t find the legendary
crown hidden in the flowerpot but still wants the beans back. Jack goes home to
an angry Uncle who can’t believe how stupid he was to trade a good horse for
beans and for being convinced that monks have any money.
Meanwhile,
Isabel has her own problems. Her father, King Brahmwell (McShane) has betrothed
her to Roderick and she wants to decide her own fate. Once again she dons a
disguise and gallops away into a rainy night and winds up (guess where?) at
Jack’s cottage. Eventually they both recognize each other. The roof is leaking
in many places (because Jack did not purchase the needed thatch) and it happens
that one of the beans falls between the floorboards and germinates quickly. The
next scene, though dramatic, is a little long but depicts the rapid growth of
the beanstalk as it rockets the cottage and the princess into the sky. Jack
winds up on the ground to face the King and his men, and to explain why he has
the princess’ bracelet. (It slipped off when he was clinging to her wrist
trying to get back into the cottage.)
A
12-man rescue party is chosen to retrieve the princess including Roderick and
Jack and they climb the beanstalk. A little more than halfway up, some of the men
slip (it looks like three, but is actually six) and they’re dangling from the
rope begging to be hauled up when Roderick orders his henchman Wicke (Bremner)
to cut the rope. They go plummeting to the ground. “We can always say the rope
snapped” says Roderick. At the top of the beanstalk we get our first view of
Giantland, an enormous stone head with a waterfall gushing from its mouth. (I
wonder where all that water goes? There are several cataracts pouring from the
cliffs.) The princess is nowhere to be found. They track her to a place where
she was obviously picked up by a giant and split into two parties of three to
continue the search. Roderick proves his evil nature by pushing the guardian
Crawe (Marsan) accompanying him and Wicke off the edge of Giantland. They
confront a giant who eats Wicke and Roderick almost joins him in his fate before
donning the crown. Meanwhile, Jack has befriended Elmont, but a different giant
finds the group and captures both guardians. Jack escapes by hiding underwater
in a pond.
Eventually,
Jack makes it to the hall of General Fallon, the two-headed leader (voiced by
Bill Nighy) of the Giants (the smaller of the two heads is an idiot who
babbles) and finds the princess in a cage and Elmont about to be made into a
pig-in-a-blanket (along with two live pigs – that is until he jabs them with a
toothpick.) by the giant cook (voiced by Philip Philmar). Roderick, on the
other hand, is telling the army of giants: “Tonight we feast.” (Seriously? On
Elmont, two pigs and a skinny princess?) Fallon eats one guardian whole when he
expressed defiance, spitting out his armor, and announces “and tomorrow we
attack at dawn.” Jack manages to slay the cook using one his own knives, frees
Isabel and Elmont and they escape, only to find another sleeping giant
(sporting a Don King style hairdo) blocking the way to the beanstalk. Jack
finds a beehive and, with help from Elmont, uses a stick to place it into the
giant’s helmet. The bees wake the giant who goes berserk and totters
dangerously close to the edge of Giantland when one last bee attacks and over
he goes. Jack and the Isabel start climbing down and Elmont stays to fend off
any attack. (Again, really?)
Once
on Earth, the King and his men witness the thunderous impact of the falling
giant and decide to cut the beanstalk down rather than have more giants climb
down. (This must have been before the Age of Enlightenment – nobody considers
where a giant beanstalk will fall once cut down.) Nevertheless, it’s close.
Jack and the Isabel make an Indiana Jones style landing through a haystack
while swinging from a vine and stop just short of being hewn in two by a
harrow, and Elmont catches the falling beanstalk as it clears the reach of the
angry giants and trashes part of the town and the castle wall. He luckily bails
out into the moat.
Did
I mention that this movie is a little too long? That’s not all. The giants find
the remainder of the magic beans and strew them on their land thus creating
three beanstalks which, using their combined weight they force to grow downward
to Earth. Fallon, who now has the crown after Roderick was killed by the Elmont
(he wears it like a ring) is first into battle but winds up in the flaming oil
covering the moat. The rest of the giants are in a tug-of-war with the King’s
men to get the drawbridge open (Oh, brother!) while slinging flaming trees over
the wall. (Why didn’t they just walk in on the downed beanstalk?).
Back
in the palace, Jack and Isabel are trying to get to the tower to light the
beacon to alert other kingdoms of the giants’ attack when Fallon bursts up
through the floor. They try to escape but he grabs Isabel. Jack leaps to save
her and is grabbed as well. Now what? It seems that Jack has one more ace up
his sleeve, one last magic bean. As Old Double-ugly tries to eat him he pops
the bean down the giant’s throat. It germinates and explodes the giant
immediately after the smaller head says its only intelligible word, “F!” Jack
retrieves the crown off of the giant’s fingers and wears it to victory over the
humongous hoard that has just breached the castle gates. Needless to say, he
marries Isabel and they’re telling the tale to their children at the end.
At
one hour and 54 minutes this tale could have been told in less. The 3D effects
were used less for amazing and startling the audience than for emphasizing the
size dimensions, especially in a giant’s eye view of the King’s army and
vice-versa. The costuming was excellent and kept to the period of the story.
The computer graphic giants were wonderfully done and the sound effects and
voices timed nicely. The musical score soared with glorious choral backgrounds
and orchestral beauty, enhancing the action on screen. Ewen McGregor was his
usual wonderful self and Stanley Tucci made for a great villain. Even with all this,
it lacked the “Wow” quality that would give it the fourth martini glass and the
character identification that would give it the fifth. Jack the Giant
Slayer is an innovative telling of a familiar tale that needs no
sequel (hopefully). (Rating: 3 out
of 5 Martini glasses.)
Tribeca Canvas
313 Church Street (at Lispenard), New York City
When
I heard that Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto was trying his hand at “comfort food”
in his new downtown restaurant, I couldn’t wait to reserve a table. Downtown
has been experiencing a renaissance since construction of the Freedom Tower
began and chi-chi restaurants have been sprouting up (as well as disappearing)
in the most unlikely of places. In the last few years I have dined at six or
seven excellent restaurants on Church Street where previous to 9/11 it was
fortunate to find a greasy spoon or a dumpy bar.
The
unassuming entrance leads to a marvelous space decorated with canvas (walls and
ceiling) painted to represent black trees growing up and across. The lighting
is from large bare bulbs suspended from the ceiling and surrounded by exotic
Indonesian tangled vines painted black (except over the bar, where they are
red) in a ball-shape casting forest-like shadows on the walls. There are grey
banquettes along the walls stitched with occasional red flowers and chairs at
the bare, black pedestal tables preset with candle and a white oblong dish
containing the silverware.
A
déjà vu came over me at first sight and I realized that this was the former
space occupied by Dennis Foy’s, an Asian fusion restaurant Helene and I dined
at years ago. My waiter, Wesley, explained that Tribeca Canvas has only been
there since last Thanksgiving as he brought a glass of water and took my drink
order. The Crimson Mimosa tingled on the tongue as the champagne and blood
orange juice danced with an intriguing spicy flavor.
The
menu featured Snacks, Appetizers, Pasta, Rice and Bread (there is a Pan
con Tomate), Salads, Entrees, and Sides. Wesley was very helpful in
assisting me select my three courses. I started with the Lotus Chips – thinly-sliced
Lotus flower heads deep fried in delicately flavored oil and lightly salted,
served with an excellent Wasabi Guacamole dip. The full, sweet flavor of the
avocado was tamed by the spice of the wasabi and went perfectly with my second
Crimson Mimosa.
The
wine list was categorized into reds and whites but the sub-categories were
illegible in the low lighting, being printed in yellowish-orange on a white
background (I let them know this). But no matter, the titles of the wines were
perfectly readable. I chose a 2010 Pinot Grigio from La Viarte vineyards of
Friuli Italy, which, strange to say became the most popular white wine that
evening. It was crisp and light and accented every dish.
Even
though Wesley advised me that my appetizer was small I chose the Hamachi Taco –
yellowtail, guacamole, jalapeno and pico de gallo with
cilantro in a crisp taco shell. Yes, five bites and it was a memory, but such a
lovely memory.
My main course was the special whole fish of the day, Rainbow
Trout. The presentation was amazing. It stood on its belly, snaking across the
plate open-mouthed through the translucent spicy orange sauce with islands of
soft tofu and draped in shredded pickled vegetables and a sprig of cilantro. I
had to take its picture before eating. A side dish of grilled Brussels sprouts
cut into nice halves and quarters were a wonderful accompaniment. Knowing trout
to be a bone-fest I gingerly used the fork and knife to pry the meat off into
the mildly spicy sauce and enjoyed the flaky, tender texture and excellent
taste. Soon, I realized that between the head and tail there was not a bone to
be found. “Where are all the bones?” I asked Wesley. They were removed through
the back (dorsal) of the fish before serving. I was truly thunderstruck. And
then I discovered the lime slice inside the head. My respect for Morimoto’s
talent doubled in that instant. But, being my mother’s son, I did find one or
two small bones.
The
desserts all looked inviting but I chose the Coconut Rice Pudding with Rum
Raisins and Passion Fruit Sorbet (wonderful) and a cup of delicious green tea.
After that, a glass of 10-year old Tawny Port finished a delightful (but not
unexpected) meal. Wesley assured me that the chef was not in residence but that
he was at his namesake in the Meat Packing District (between Hudson Street and
10th Avenue). I assured him that will return for the meat
dishes. There is a tripe stew with my name on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment