Hollywood Stories, Vol. 4

By Ed Garea

Some of what you read below is true. Some is pure fantasy. But we include them all in this column, dedicated to a town unable to tell the difference between reality and fantasy.

What’s In a Name?

Ann Dvorak would tell interviewers, “My name is properly pronounced ‘vor’shack.' The D remains silent. I have had quite a time with the name, having been called practically everything from Balzac to Bickelsrock.” Pretty good, considering she was born Anna McKim. By the way, Dvorak was a direct descendant of US Vice President John C. Calhoun (1825-32).

Diana Dors was born Diana Mary Fluck. She joked to interviewers that “I had to change it in case the ‘L’ blew off a marquis in a high wind.”

Coin of the Realm

Veronica Lake always personally opened her fan mail because, quite often, admirers would enclose money to cover the cost of a hoped for reply from their favorite star. Lake would remove the coins, throw them in a jar, and throw the letter away. If she determined the letter had no money she simply threw it away.

Attila the Nun and Her Cuss Jar

Loretta Young, known among her co-workers as “Attila the Nun” for her supposed piety (it didn’t keep her from screwing her co-stars), used to lug around a “cuss jar” with her. If anyone swore in front of her they had to deposit 25 cents in the jar “for the nuns,” she said. One day, while on the set of A Man’s Castle with Spencer Tracy, she heard him say “damn.” She immediately got out her jar and demanded he put a quarter in it. Tracy reached into his pocket, pulled out a $20, and stuffed it in the jar. “Here’s twenty, sister. Go f—- yourself.” 

Loretta's “piety” was often a source of mirth for her co-workers. According to Jeanne Basinger, Joan Crawford once told a guest in her home not to sit in a chair because “Loretta was just sitting there. It probably has the mark of the cross in the seat.”

Humphrey Bogart and Lena Horne

When Lena Horne signed with MGM, her agent arranged for her to live in Hollywood. The only catch was that African-Americans were not permitted to live within town limits back then. The agent rented a house for her and she moved in at night, so as to escape detection. But this didn’t last long, for once her neighbors found out who was in the neighborhood, they took up a petition to have her removed. When they passed it to Horne’s neighbors across the street – Humphrey Bogart and his wife, Mayo Methot – they got more than they bargained for. At a neighborhood meeting Bogart raised hell and told them in plain terms that Horne not only had a right to live anywhere she wished, but also that she wasn’t going anywhere. Years later Horne told the New York Times in an interview that Bogart sent word apologizing for his neighbors’ actions, and that anyone bothered her in the future she was to let him know and he would put a stop to it.

Ann Sheridan’s Tits

Ann Sheridan was known as “The Oomph Girl” (a name she hated) in studio publicity, but in reality as he had little oomph in her chest. Ann was rather small in the breast department. In the early ‘30s that would have been no problem because breasts were downplayed in fashion. (Who knew that Joan Blondell measured at 38-C?) But by the late ‘30s big breasts were in. To rectify matters Warner Bros. had an artificial chest made for their star, one that she could wear under her blouse. She hated it and was frequently misplacing it. Studio workers could hear her yelling “Where’s my tits?” One time they were found in a wastepaper basket in her dressing room. 

The Ping Girl

As Ann Sheridan was known as “The Oomph Girl,” so Carole Landis was dubbed “The Ping Girl” by her studio, Hal Roach. While “Oomph” was in reality undefinable, “Ping” was ‘40s slang for an erection.

The Perks of Being the Studio Boss

Darryl Zanuck, head of 20th Century Fox, was quite proud of his endowment and thought the actresses who worked for him should share the feeling. During private meetings he used to take his erection out and show it to the lucky victim. Few of them were powerful enough to say no. Betty Grable was taken aback and simply said, “That’s beautiful. You can put it away now.” She then beat a hasty retreat. Joan Crawford, on the other hand, simply guffawed and told Zanuck that she had seen “bigger things crawl out of cabbages.”

Harry Cohn, who ran Columbia, was said to have verbally or physically raped every woman whoever worked for him. He had a private passageway that connected his office with a dressing room assigned to a string of Columbia starlets. Each and every new female employee had to report to Cohn’s office. During the first meeting he used a pencil to open the woman’s mouth ands check her teeth. He then used it to lift her skirt, so he could examine her thighs. This would inevitably be followed by the obligatory sex session on his large couch, after which his victim was ushered out the back door while Cohn retreated to his all-marble bathroom for a shower. When he died, his funeral was attended by thousands, which led Red Skelton to remark that if you give the public what they want, they’ll come out to see it.