In A Scary Garden
By Steve Herte
After
consulting NOAA before leaving the office I was gratified to learn that it
wouldn't be raining either when I was walking to the movie or when I strolled
to the restaurant. It was an interesting evening. The movie entertained and the
restaurant became a culinary adventure as well as a recalled memory. All things
considered it was a week of accomplishment. Enjoy!
Scary Movie V (Dimension, 2013) Director: Malcolm D. Lee. Cast: Ashley
Tisdale, Simon Rex, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Darrell Hammond, Gracie
Whitton, Ava Kolker, Katt Williams, Lidia Porto. Color, 85 minutes.
When
you’re putting together a movie like any in the Scary Movie series
the most difficult part is creating a script that links all the movie plots
currently being spoofed. In this installment, there are seven films linked into
one. Dan (Rex) works as an Ape Behavioral Researcher and his star pupil is a
chimp named Caesar, played by Christopher “Critter” Antonucci (Conquest of
the Planet of the Apes). He is married to Jody (Tisdale), a member of a
ballet company about to perform Swan Lake (The Black Swan)
and the two are just bringing their newborn son Aiden home from the hospital.
Meanwhile,
Snoop Dog (playing himself) and a friend are out in a spooky forest looking for
illegal marijuana plantations to hopefully steal some of the product and they
succeed in wrapping a joint so large that it takes both of them to carry it
away. They come upon a creepy Cabin in the Woods where they
discover Dan’s brother’s three lost children who have gone feral and who owe
their survival to a ghoulish spirit they call Mama. This malevolent
apparition comes with them when the two girls, Kathy (Whitton) and her sister
(Kolker) and baby brother move in with Dan and Jody. Strange things happen
around the house leading Dan to wire the entire place with video cameras (Paranormal
Activity) the partial consequences of which require several trips to
the hospital. The Spanish maid Maria (Porto) is constantly trying various
religious and folk methods to exorcise whatever is in the house until Dan
brings in a psychic named Blaine Fulda (Williams) who robs them blind and Jody
enlists the services of Dr. Hall (Hammond) who uses dream therapy (Inception)
to no avail. The wacky antics on the screen are occasionally interrupted by
shots of the audience where Lewis Thompson is dressed as Madea and
is making negative comments about what he’s seeing.
Believe
it or not this confusing morass works itself out in the end.
Normally
what passes these days for comedy leaves me either stone cold or just plain
horrified but Scary Movie V had genuine slap-stick that had me
cackling a couple of times and clever banter which was actually funny. Sheen
and Lohan provided the window dressing on the film appearing at the beginning
and at the end (after the credits) to hopefully clue the audience when the
movie was finished. Erica Ash was interesting as Kendra Brooks, Jody’s best
friend and rival for the role of Swan Queen. Together they find the Book of
Evil with the curse spell, “Gort, Klaatu, Barrada, Nikto” (The Day the Earth
Stood Still) in the cabin in the woods. Heather Locklear appears as
Barbara, Mike Tyson makes a cameo, and Marlon and Shawn Wayans contributed in
the writing department.
I
enjoyed Scary Movie V even though the box office didn’t. Maybe
it’s because I didn’t see numbers two, three or four. One caution though, it’s
not a movie for little children, no matter what the guy three rows in front of
me thought.
Rating: 3½ out of 5 Martini glasses.
Rating: 3½ out of 5 Martini glasses.
Giardino D’Oro
5 Gold Street (near Maiden Lane), New York City
After
Hurricane Sandy, many downtown Manhattan businesses faced the daunting task of
cleaning up and renovation. Giardino D’Oro (Italian for “The Garden of Gold”)
made a video of its efforts and put it on its website. I must say that this was
a major influence in my choosing to dine there. The end product is gorgeous.
After a walk south on the narrow, sometimes creepy Gold Street, one arrives at
the maroon awning with white script over the entrance to the restaurant. A
double door later and you’re in a golden space with gracefully bricked arches
framing murals suggesting a formal Italian garden. Simple, but elegant, sconces
on the walls and chandeliers above provide the lighting. Downstairs is a wine
cellar with a long table set for special private parties of up to 26 people
(where once there was at least three feet of water). My table was located at a
supporting column mid-way from the door to the rear wall and I experienced a
moment of déjà vu. Smitty’s, a seafood restaurant way back in the 1980s, occupied
this location and was the place where I first experienced shad roe.
My
waiter took my martini order and brought a glass of water with the menu. After
reciting the daily specials he quietly left me to decide. Another server
brought a dish of sliced hard salami, chunks of cheese, a ramekin of cooked red
olives with garlic and a long green chili pepper as a pre-appetizer. I sipped
my perfectly-made cocktail and nibbled at the salami and cheese while reading
the two-page menu. The usual categories were represented; Appetizers, Salads,
Pastas, Pollo e Vitello (chicken and veal), Fish, From the Grill
and Vegetables. I was in the mood for some standard Italian staples, so before
making my final decision I asked for the wine menu.
The
wine list is extensive and most of the prices astronomically ridiculous (the
lowest price for a Chianti was $60 – nothing can be that “classico”).
Fortunately, the first page of the menu lists the wine specials for the week,
which are affordably priced. It was there I found a 2010 Bousquet Malbec (Argentina) that would prove worthy of all my
dinner choices.
My
appetizer was Carpaccio Con Parmigiano, cold, thinly sliced filet
mignon over a mound of arugula with Parmigiano shavings. It was a beautifully
presented dish and one server drizzled some olive oil over it for me while a
second sprinkled freshly ground black pepper. It was delightful, though I
wondered at the uniformity of the slices. Usually this dish is looks more in
the style of free form.
The
pasta course was a half order of Fettuccine Alfredo. Normally I expect this
dish to be weighty with cheese but not this one. The creamy cheese sauce was
light and delicious and the pasta perfectly cooked and fresh. I wondered about
it because I didn’t feel the least bit guilty indulging in it.
The
main course was my all-time favorite Italian dish, Vitello Saltimbocca alla
Romana (Veal that “jumps into your mouth” Roman style) – veal stuffed
with Prosciutto (ham) and Fontina cheese, baked in white wine and veal stock
reduction. This classic mouth-watering course was served on a bed of spinach
with baked potato slices and capers. Excellent! But again, I had to wonder.
Normally, this dish is a butterflied piece of veal with the cheese and ham
inside. This was served rolled into four logs arranged appealingly on the dark
green bed. I could only imagine what they would do with dessert.
After
having a hearty laugh at the “Chocolate Moose Cake” listed on the dessert menu,
I chose the Zecchino (Italian for sequin) – a dessert I’ve
never had. It was a delightful, light, golden pudding somewhat like a Zuppa
Inglese or a trifle served in a short parfait glass. Along with a double
espresso it topped the meal nicely. Although I chose what I thought were going
to be standard Italian dishes, Giardino D’Oro surprised and delighted me every
step of the way. There will definitely be a return visit.
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