Jupiter Ascending The Leopard
By Steve Herte
Thankfully
this week the snow held off enough for me to go to my favorite Irish
bar for karaoke, and it was fun. I usually create themes for my
songs. Karaoke has a bad rap that I’m trying to clean up by singing
songs properly. I’m not against people getting up there and singing
(badly) for fun, because the main object is to have fun. I just want
it known that there are those among us who consider music seriously
and have fun singing it well. Since Valentine’s Day is this week
I’ll be switching to a “Love” theme (literally hundreds of
song titles to choose from). Valentine’s Day figures largely in my
choice of restaurants this week and the movie made the choice easy.
Enjoy!
Jupiter
Ascending (WB,
2015) - Directors: Andy and Lana Wachowski (as the Wachowskis).
Writers: Andy and Lana Wachowski. Cast: Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis,
Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Douglas Booth, Tuppence Middleton, Nikki
Amuka-Bird, Christina Cole, Nicholas Newman, Ramon Tikaram, Ariyon
Bakare, Maria Doyle Kennedy, Frog Stone, James D’Arcy, David Ajala,
& Terry Gilliam. Color, 127 minutes.
“Some
say she’s from Mars, or one of the seven stars…Well she isn’t!
–
“Planet
Claire,” the B-52s
“Technically,
I’m an alien. I was born without a country, a home and a father.”
–
Jupiter
Jones
“I’m
not naming my baby after a planet!” says Aleksa (Kennedy) to
Maximilian Jones (D’Arcy) the
man she’s loved since they met on the banks of the Dnieper River in
Russia. And Max loves Aleksa as much as he loves astronomy and his
beautiful brass telescope. Suddenly, KGB agents burst in and ransack
the apartment. When they take his telescope Max protests and is
fatally shot for his efforts. Poor little Jupiter is born on the boat
to America.
The
alarm goes off at 4:45 am, we hear “Jupiter, wake up and make the
coffee!” and the repeated daily schedule begins for the now young
woman (Kunis) cleaning toilets for others. She hates her life and
says so over and over. She shares a bedroom with her mother and
aunts, all housekeepers in Chicago.
Meanwhile,
in another part of town, three bounty hunters are searching for a
young girl. Their leader, Ibis (Ajala) is a fearsome bluish-black
skinned warrior type. His right hand gal, Diolmika Tsing
(Amuka-Bird), hovers above him on a rocket powered cyber bike with a
cloaking device. They are thwarted (and the third one killed) by what
they call a “sky-hunter,” zipping around on anti-gravity boots.
One
day, Jupiter witnesses alien beings called “Keepers” abducting
her best friend. “Keepers” look like pink, naked skeletons with
backward knees and can fade in and out of visibility. Jupiter learns
they are really here for her when they attack, and she’s rescued by
a blue-eyed man in anti-gravity boots named Caine Wise (Tatum), a
genetically modified hybrid of man and wolf referred to as a
“Splice,” although he never turns into a wolf, a la Lon
Chaney Jr. After a wild chase through downtown Chicago involving
several buildings being partially destroyed (including the Sears
Tower), he successfully brings her to the relative safety of the
ramshackle house belonging to Stinger Apini (Bean). The house is
surrounded by a strangely beautiful assortment of wildflowers
attended by thousands of bees.
Both
of these men were once in a legion of Sky-Hunters, but for some
unexplained reason they’ve had their wings removed (literally), and
are now outcasts trying to clear their names. They know this girl is
valuable to Titus Abrasax (Booth) and his brother Balem Abrasax
(Redmayne), but are not sure why until the bees, which have hives
both outside and inside the house are attracted to Jupiter as if she
were their queen. Then they both address her as “Your Majesty.”
“Bees can sense royalty.” Now Jupiter is totally confused, as is
the entire audience.
After
what seems to be an eternity, we finally get an important part of the
plot. Abrasax Industries is an inter-galactic corporation with two
major competitors (the brothers) both of who want Jupiter (who
resembles their mother perfectly). Titus wants to marry her and Balem
wants her to sign a contract relinquishing her rightful claim to
Earth. Both belong to a kind of Corporate Royalty that has to answer
to a slew of bureaucrats on the overpopulated home world of Orus.
After a battle with Balem’s minions, Sargorns (fearsome, winged
T-Rex-like creatures) Stinger and Caine deliver Jupiter to Titus on
the planet Saturn. After going through endless channels and
bureaucrats and bribing at least one, Jupiter and her “Sim”
escort come to the Minister of Seals and Signets (Gilliam), who
grants her the legal title of royalty and imprints a glowing seal on
her forearm (with which she can now sign important documents).
Kalique
Abrasax (Middleton) befriends Jupiter (but not without her own
agenda), sees to it she’s dressed royally, and gives her a tour of
the palace –
a weird combination of Baroque and Moorish architecture. We learn
later that Balem obviously prefers Gothic, which better suits his
sinister personality.
The
rest of the plot slowly reveals that Kalique is 14,000 years (and
four months) old, thanks to the major (and only) product of Abrasax
Industries, RegenX-E. It has the capability to grant the user eternal
youth. The only drawback is that it’s made from people and Earth is
currently ripe for The Harvest. It seems that Abrasax royalty have
been “seeding” planets throughout the galaxy to develop a rapidly
growing population and harvesting their “time” to keep themselves
young. In the process, Sargorns created the dinosaurs – surprise!
Jupiter
Ascending is a
two-hour-and-seven-minute special effects playground with wildly
imagined gadgets, weapons and spaceships, vast, soaring stage sets,
remarkable costumes (I’ll bet they garner a nomination for them),
and fabulous music composed by Michael Giacchino. The action scenes
keep the audience white-knuckled when combined with the exciting
music.
The
story? Well, it can be described as a combination of Cinderella,
Star Wars, and Flash Gordon, with a big
destruction scene (almost endless) like that in Frankenstein.
Several George Lucas-like “gifts” were thrown in, i.e. the
“SarGORNs” – echoing the creature in the episode The
Arena from the TV series Star Trek, as well as
the title “Keepers” from another episode, and the elephant-headed
pilot of the Aegis spaceship whose name is Ganesha (the good-luck
elephant-headed god of Hinduism). The movie drops into the corny side
several times, mostly in the dialogue, “Maybe it’s in my genes. I
always fall for guys I can’t have.” And after suffering the
bureaucrats, “I’ll never complain about the DMV (Department of
Motor Vehicles) again.” It will never be classified as science
fiction because it never leaves the realm of fantasy.
Antsy
kids will love it because, like them, it rarely stops moving and it’s
a great no-brainer for adults. Overall, it’s great entertainment
but not great theater.
Rating:
3½ out of 5 Martini glasses.
The
Leopard at Des Artistes
1
West 67th Street
(Central Park West), New
York
A
little over eight years ago, Helene and I dined at the Café Des
Artistes on Valentine’s Day. It was lovely, especially the
three-tiered chocolate dessert. Little did we know it was struggling
for existence. It closed on August 30, 2009.
In
2001, Gianfranco Sorrentino, with wife Paula, opened Il Gattopardo
(Italian for “The Leopard”) across the street from the Museum of
Modern Art (53rd Street,
east of 5thAvenue)
with Executive Chef Vito Gnazzo. In 2011, the terrific trio
reincarnated the famous space in the Des Artistes Hotel.
As
it is located on the Upper West Side of New York, it took me nearly
four years to experience the transformation from a premier French
restaurant into a lush Italian. I was excited when I concluded that
the only theater showing the movie I wanted to see at the right time
was three blocks away from the restaurant I was dying to visit.
As I approached the elegant black air-lock entrance with lit name in flowing script above the door, I hoped the famous murals inside were left intact. I entered and there they were. The beautiful nymphs were still cavorting through the flowers and trees on every wall, and the only addition was the black leopard statue in one window.
As I approached the elegant black air-lock entrance with lit name in flowing script above the door, I hoped the famous murals inside were left intact. I entered and there they were. The beautiful nymphs were still cavorting through the flowers and trees on every wall, and the only addition was the black leopard statue in one window.
I
had come prepared and dressed to impress (jacket and tie encouraged),
and yet no one batted an eye when I revealed my leopard jacket and
tie on New York black shirt and slacks. I was sedately –
and very professionally – led
to my table with a beautiful mural, a backdrop not far from the bar.
My
waiter, Rares, was efficiency personified. He took my water
preference, presented me with the wine list and menu, and asked if I
desired a drink other than water. I ordered my favorite martini upon
learning that the bar had Beefeaters gin in stock. It was supremely
perfect, as was the tall pony-tailed blonde bartender who mixed it
and served the second one.
Fortunately,
I had perused the menu on-line and it was virtually the same, because
Rares’ thick accent prevented me from understanding any of the
daily specials as he rattled them off. I just nodded and oohed and
ah-ed. When he returned, I told him I wanted to construct a
three-course meal with a side of pasta (the only dish I hadn’t
decided on). He made a suggestion and surprisingly, it was the one
that caught my eye online. The meal was organized.
The
wine list had an impressive arrangement. Italian wines from the
North, Middle, and South were sub-categories under Whites and Reds.
The wines from the South were totally unfamiliar to me and I asked
Rares’ help. The 2009 “Donnachiara” Aglianico Irpinia from
Campania was a tasty, slightly earthy balance of fruit and tannins in
a beautiful ruby-red wine.
Another
server brought the breadbasket filled with crusty Italian bread as
well as foot-long bread sticks and rich dark bread, and poured a
plate of virgin olive oil for dipping. A second server brought the
amuse-bouche, two deep-fried rice balls flavored with lobster and
Gorgonzola cheese – delightful.
Everything
about the cuisine at The Leopard says “not your traditional Italian
food.” This is particularly evident in the appetizer. “Battuta di
Branzino” is thin sliced orbetello branzino (a Mediterranean sea
bass), gently roasted with pink peppercorn and fennel salad. The
delicate white of the melt-in-your-mouth fish surmounted by the just
barely green, shaved strips of fennel was a work of art on a plate as
well as a joy to the taste buds. I actually enjoyed the fennel,
usually not one of my favorite flavors.
Next
came the three large, circular ravioli filled with braised artichoke
and burrata cheese in a light tomato-marjoram sauce. With a generous
mound of shaved Parmesan cheese, this dish was almost gone before I
took a picture of it.
The
main course was decided before I left the office. The “Coniglio in
Porchetta” – oven-roasted
rabbit saddle filled with Italian sausage, served with porcini sauce,
sautéed broccoli rabe and spinach was a tour de force.
The tender, slightly gamy rabbit was sweetened by the sausage and
enhanced by the mushroom sauce, while the gloriously green broccoli
rabe mixed its sharp flavor with the sweeter flavor of the spinach to
create the perfect balance between the two. I loved it.
Was
I full after all this? You bet, and Rares could see it. He brought
homemade cookies for dessert and that, along with a double espresso,
finished my wonderful return to Des Artistes. It still ranks with
Daniel and the Boathouse as one of the most romantic restaurants in
New York. And now there are no more excuses. It’s more reasonably
priced than its former incarnation. However, for those who wish to go
extravagant, they do have a $4,900 bottle of wine.
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