From Crowded Bikini Bottom to Cold Turkey
By Steve Herte
Have
you ever had the hubris to think you know what your fellow humans are
going to do in a given situation and been proven horribly wrong?
That
was exactly what happened this past Friday, February 13th. I should
have taken a clue from the date. On Friday the 13th anything can
happen, no matter how unlikely. I thought that with temperatures in
the low teens and substantially below zero wind-chill factors I could
walk into my movie theater and breeze through the ticket kiosk and
zip up to my choice seat. Seriously? There were more people out and
about on 42nd Street than I have ever seen and they
were more clueless about where they were than ever. The movie theater
had four lines of people waiting to buy tickets, two for the kiosks
on either side. The lines reached to the front doors and almost
spilled out into the street.
Literally,
you could have knocked me over with a feather. I’ve never seen this
even on a beautiful day. I was concerned whether I would make my
movie time. Strangely enough, I did. Most of the people were there to
see Kingsman, but my show was amply populated as well.
Who knew? It was a good thing I dressed for the weather because my
restaurant was three long blocks and three short blocks away and I
had to dodge the tourist crowd, now made larger by the Michelin-man
clothing they wore to stave off the cold. It was a learning
experience for sure. Enjoy!
The
SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (Paramount
Animation/Nickelodeon Films, 2015) –
Director:
Paul Tibbitt. Writers: Glenn Berger, Jonathan Aibel (s/p); Stephen
Hillenburg, Paul Tibbitt (story); Stephen Hillenburg (series
“SpongeBob SquarePants). Voices: Antonio Banderas, Tom Kenny, Bill
Fagerbaake, Rodger Bumpass, Clancy Brown, Mr. Lawrence, Carolyn
Lawrence, Jill Talley, Matt Berry, Mary Jo Catlett, Eric Bauza,
Tim Conway, Eddie Deezen, Rob Paulsen, Kevin Michael Richardson,
April Stewart, Cree Summer, Billy West, & Paul Tibbitt. Color &
3D, 93 minutes.
“Even
failure doesn’t feel so bad if you do it as a team.” –
SpongeBob
I
admit it. I’m a SpongeBob Squarepants fan. Been that way since I
saw the first cartoon. I can even tolerate his annoying laugh, which
is much more than I can say for any of his fellow characters,
especially Plankton. The only exception to this is his best friend,
Patrick Starfish, who also has an annoying laugh. Why then do I love
the absorbent yellow creature? Three reasons: the animation is well
done, the writing is clever (even the puns), and the situations are
so wacky they’re funny.
No
exception here. From the first camera shots there’s no doubt about
this movie being a comedy. “Nickelodeon Films” rises dramatically
from the ocean draped in seaweed and the audience is flown over the
waves until…where are we? We look right, we look left, and suddenly
we see Bikini Atoll and we’re thrust into the dense foliage (where
before we only saw a lone palm tree) and spy a pirate following a
treasure map.
The
pirate, who will later be known as Burger Beard (Banderas), seeks a
magic book and dodges Indiana Jones-style obstacles and fights a
skeleton to obtain it. Once safely back on his one-man pirate ship he
reads the story of Bikini Bottom (down below the waves) to a group of
talking (and singing) seagulls (one of which is voiced by Conway). As
he reads, the scene changes to the Krusty Krab diner on the ocean
bottom where SpongeBob (voiced by Kenny) and Patrick (Fagerbakke) are
under orders from the proprietor, Mr. Eugene Krabs (Brown), to defend
the secret formula for their only product, the Crabby Patty, against
the constant onslaught of Plankton (Mr. Lawrence), owner of the
failed Chum Bucket diner across the street.
Plankton
uses a bomber plane to drop a jar of tartar sauce on them and they
reply with a barrage of potatoes, which are sliced by the plane’s
propellers and rain down as fries on a fish citizen of Bikini Bottom.
He uses a tank to fire pickles at them and SpongeBob replies with a
machine gun shooting catsup and mustard while Patrick literally
“holds the mayo.” He hoists a large jar of mayonnaise until he
gets tired and hefts it at the tank, entrapping it.
The
food-fight battle goes back and forth until it seems that Plankton
has lost. He leaves in tears after giving his last penny to the
avaricious Mr. Krabs, who promptly puts it into his safe. Bad idea.
The Plankton weeping outside the diner is a robot and the real
Plankton is inside the last penny. He gets the formula (tucked inside
a bottle resting on a weight-sensitive platform) by switching it,
Indiana Jones-style, with another similar bottle with a note inside.
But SpongeBob catches him and the two are locked in a tug of war with
the bottle between them – when it vanishes. Of course Plankton gets
the blame, but SpongeBob sticks up for him because he knows Plankton
is innocent.
Without
the secret formula all social order in Bikini Bottom is destroyed,
the citizens go rogue and start looting and fire breaks out all over
town (this takes place entirely under water, mind you). SpongeBob
blows a huge bubble around Plankton, steps inside and they float off
to find what happened to the secret formula, much to the chagrin of
the angry mob.
Meanwhile,
on the pirate ship, Burger Beard repeatedly ends the story to the
dissatisfaction of the seagulls. It turns out that the book is magic
and whatever you write in it will happen. In this way Burger Beard
magically gets the secret formula and transforms his pirate ship (it
has wheels) into the most successful burger stand on the beach. If
not for a tussle with one of the seagulls, a page would not have been
torn out and sunk to the bottom, where it comes to rest on Sandy
Cheek’s (Lawrence) airtight dome (she’s a squirrel living at the
ocean bottom). This page is instrumental in retrieving the formula.
SpongeBob
and Plankton form a team (although Plankton has a tough time even
pronouncing the word) and decide to build a time machine to return to
the moment before the formula vanished thus saving Bikini Bottom.
They rescue Plankton’s computer, Karen (Talley), and she becomes
the brain in a photo booth time machine with a cuckoo clock timer.
For a quarter, they can travel through time. There are several crazy
kaleidoscopic wrong turns. In one of them they meet Bubbles the
Dolphin (Berry) who rides in a spaceship, stands on his tail and
wears a cape.
Eventually,
they figure out that the formula is at “the surface” and Bubbles
provides SpongeBob, Patrick, Plankton, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward
(Bumpass) with the ability to breathe air by forcing them through his
blowhole, while Sandy just takes off her helmet. They use a seagull
feather, Squidward’s ink and the page from the magic book to
re-write themselves as super-heroes and together do battle with
Burger Beard.
Yes,
I know it’s totally ridiculous, but that’s the charm of a
SpongeBob adventure. The story is just there to be a story. It can
take any turn imaginable. As Bugs Bunny says, “Anything can happen
in a cartoon.” The jokes and puns are sprinkled throughout and, in
case the audience doesn’t understand one, Mrs. Puffs (Catlett), the
schoolteacher, is ready with a drum set to play a rim-shot. “Somebody
had to do it.” She says.
This
movie can be a little confusing if you don’t pay attention to the
first scenes. The book is central to the whole plot. The animation is
excellent as usual, especially when the main characters go from their
undersea shapes to more 3D shapes out of water. There are several
good laughs and a lot of clever jokes. The scene where Patrick
complains that his feet hurt and SpongeBob points out that a starfish
doesn’t have feet sparks a hilarious argument. Yes, of course
there’s a song about teamwork. There’s always a song. “You’re
not going to sing again?” says Plankton, when SpongeBob pulls out
his pitch pipe. The kids in the audience loved it and I heard the
adults laugh as well. Don’t try to explain it. Just get on board
and have a good time.
Rating:
4 out of 5 Martini glasses.
An
Talia
17
West 45th Street, New
York
Named
for the An Talia province of Turkey, this four-year
old Mediterranean restaurant has been touting “The Best Turkish
Food in New York” and this is no idle boast. Though it doesn’t
look like much from the street under its burgundy awning and garish
red and white-lit sign, it’s a treasure chest of Turkish delights
inside.
It
was an extremely cold night (below zero wind-chills) and the
restaurant has no airlock to keep out the cold. Therefore, the bar
area was deserted. The greeter led me past the bar with its pale
chartreuse walls and a mirror seemingly framed in parsley to the
warmly lit dining area in back. My table couldn’t have been more
centrally located. All around me were people enjoying dinner and
conversation.
It
was difficult to determine which of the four young men my main server
was because all were attentive to my slightest gesture. The water
already poured, one asked if I wished a drink other than water.
Having read the menu online, I decided to try the Turkish dark beer
named “Efes.” It was delightful, not too “hoppy” or sour –
a good, solid beer. Though he didn’t offer his name, this young man
became my primary server.
The
menu features standard categories: Soups, Salads, Cold Appetizers,
Hot Appetizers, Entrées, Seafood, and Sides but, when you read them
they all sounded exotic, with names like piyaz, haydari, yaprak
sarma, and sucuk izgara (don’t ask me to
pronounce any of them). All dishes are clearly explained and
translated below the titles. I asked my server which of the two soups
he would recommend and he responded, “The Red Lentil, no contest.”
For
one, it’s not really red, but reddish-yellow and is a good hot
hearty soup with a wedge of lemon on the side for squeezing into it.
The wine list had a small selection of both reds and whites by the
glass as well as by the bottle and, since I was going Turkish, I
chose the 2010 Kavaklidere “Ancyra” from Kalecik
Karasi in Turkey. Believe it or not, I’ve had Kavaklidere
before and now know it to be a reliable red with intense fruit and
spice flavors. I made sure not to tell my server that I had it
previously in a Greek restaurant.
The
wine was the perfect accompaniment with my appetizer as well. It’s
been a long time since I’ve had baba
ganoush: puréed smoked
eggplant mixed with garlic and sesame oil, and eaten with bread, and
this was undoubtedly the best I’ve ever had. I luxuriated in it on
the freshly baked Turkish bread served in a wicker basket.
After
a movie, my appetite is at its keenest and, in the effort to try as
many dishes as possible, I ordered the Mixed Grill – a large plate
featuring tender lamb and chicken shish kebabs, doner (the
Turkish version of a gyro, a vertically grilled and
sliced lamb recipe), lamb chops, rice, vegetables and a small salad.
I savored every bite. My server warned me about the jalapeno-like
pepper on the side of the dish and I sliced it, carefully removing
the seeds and used it to spice up the already wonderful dish. He must
have seen me do that because he offered to bring yoghurt sauce (to
put out the fire – he don’t know me very well, do he?) and I
agreed. When he brought the yoghurt sauce, he also brought a Turkish
hot pepper sauce (biber salçasi) that was spicier than the
pepper. (Maybe he does know me.) I was in heaven.
When
I had finished every drop of food my server brought the dessert menu.
I heard the couple to my left order the baklava (a dessert common to
both Turks and Greeks, but one never says so) and when it arrived, I
was horrified at the small portion. There were two half-dollar sized
cakes on the plate. The gentleman said they were very filling but I
was not about to believe him. I chose the Turkish Custard. How to
describe it? It was a four-inch by three-inch rectangle of golden
brown caramel-y sweetness with a creamy center suggesting a more
solid version of a flan but with coconut and honey overtones.
My
Turkish immersion did not end there. I chose Turkish tea, served hot
in a beautiful, stemless tulip-shaped glass (tulip comes from a
Turkish word meaning “turban”) and was flavorfully brewed. The
after-dinner drink was not to be out-done. It was a fortified wine
(like a port) made from Kavaklidere called “Tatli
Sert” Öküzgözü from eastern Anatolia. The
deep peach-colored drink blended smoothly with the tea and my
wonderful dinner was complete.
An
Talia may be a small restaurant
but it’s huge on good quality food and low prices. Everything I had
was amazing and, from my conversations with the people on either
side, there are many more dishes to be tried, specifically the
Turkish meatballs. This is another must-return place.
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